Ahhh the joys of sexting. As seen here, we already know I’m a fan. Nothing quite like walking through Disneyland and getting a penis picture just as you pass a five-year old meeting Mickey Mouse for the very first time. Some call it disturbing, I call it the element of surprise.
At a baby-shower a few months ago, me and some of the “adults” discussed typical baby-shower stuff around the liquor table. You know stuff like: booty-calls, crazy bitches, and of course – sexting. “What about you Abi? You look like you love that shit,” the homie said. No idea where he got that idea from. Surprising to even myself, I’ve only text two inappropriate pictures in my life. I still had all my clothes on, no body parts were showing, and most importantly my face was nowhere to be found. But judging by the texts and pictures I got in return, they did the trick. I am no connoisseur, but I do have a few tips for those who are thinking about sexting a picture to someone for the first time.
Ladies:
1) Keep the rest of the picture CLEAN. If you’re in the bathroom, flush the fucking toilet! If you’re in the bedroom, shove everything under the bed for the time being! It’s just common courtesy dammit! The last thing you want is your naked picture on blast over the internet with a circle drawn around your period stained panty in the background *SMFH*
2) The perfect pose. Sometimes less actually is more. Work your way up to Penthouse poses where your vagina is so close to the camera you can see your tonsils. I prefer suggestive pictures and poses as opposed to spread eagle. I’d give an example but that would be breaking “girl-code”. And for the love of God, suck in your fucking gut!
3) CROP OUT YOUR FACE. This really depends on how whoreible the picture is, and your relationship with the recipient. If it’s relatively new, and no talks of exclusivity have been made then you definitely want to consider keeping your face under wraps as pretty of a face that may be. You just never know when he may use the pictures against you, or more commonly pass his phone around to this boys. Or even worse – to his homegirls. Men may have something disrespectful to say, but women will GO IN ON A BITCH.
However, there seems to be some sort of hierarchy in regards to the sharing of the sexy-time pics. The consensus seems to be the following:
We don’t give a fuck about you: The penis picture is getting passed around the dinner table the minute you send it.
We like you but the relationship is over: We may not share this at all, but if we do we’ll only flash our girls the pic. There will be no saving of the evidence.
We like you and are presently seeing you: You’re in luck. That shit is sacred.
I’d like to think a man’s guidelines are pretty similar. Then again, boys will be boys will be boys. Which is why my biggest suggestion is to take a picture you would be proud of if it did get out. For men, having your sext pics leaked can be the best word of mouth advertising EVER. It’s guerrilla marketing at its finest. It would be like what Kanye did for Taylor Swift. That’s why I only have one tip for you: If the penis ain’t pretty, don’t send it. And when I say “pretty,” I mean not small. It doesn’t have to be big, it just can’t be small. Otherwise, take a picture of your long ass tongue instead.
Ladies if you’re not sure, then don’t send it. If you have to ask yourself with a confused look on your face, “Is that sexy?” it probably isn’t. Fellas if you’re not sure, sext it on over. I’ll be more than happy to let you know.