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Sex'n w/ the Oldies.

Whenever I take a stroll down memory lane and read old sex blogs I think two things:

  1. Wow, I can't believe I wrote that and

  2. Wow, I can't believe I used to have sex like that

Over glasses of rose amongst the redwoods, me and three friends reminisced about our crazy, dating, clubbing, days and all agreed that one thing that has changed is our desire to have marathon sex. It got me thinking of all the other things that change during sex when you get older and prompted me to write the list below. Enjoy, and don't forget to apply your eye cream!

Flexibility. I am 5'00" and categorized by some as a "spinner". While I consider myself decently active and do yoga almost everyday, I just can't do the same shit I used to do when I was younger and more agile. Being this tiny, it's not hard to be with a man that can pick you up and flip you and twist you into a fuckable pretzel, but now a bitch's neck hurts if I put my hair into a bun and turn the wrong way. The best way to be flexible and hit certain positions is if you're doing them everyday and unfortunately, the only doggy-style I'm getting nowadays is downward dog. I'm hoping sex is just like riding a bike, albeit a bike that has your feet behind your ears.

Duration. I will never forget the night me and Thor had what I can only call for lack of better words - a fuckathon that lasted for at least 1 hour and 47 minutes. I know this, because I vividly remember the fuckfest starting before the movie Wild Wild West (appropriately enough) started playing and ending long after. Whether you're 30 or 40, let me tell you that there is no real reason you need to be having sex for that long. Alas, time flies when you're having good dick, so it was nothing to my younger self and I still hold that time like a badge of honor.

My current self on the other hand can't even jumprope for 2 minutes straight without pausing to rest my hands on my knees and laugh at myself for being washed. At least five Giant's 10k's later and I'm just now realizing that I hate to run. Can't run. And will never run again. So there is no chance in hell I'm surviving more than an hour of sex now. In this case, it is a sprint and not a marathon.

Spontaneity. To clarify, I am all about a change of scenery, spicing things up, and living on the edge. Unfortunately, as a full fledged adult, I got a lot of shit to do. Fucking me from the back while I cook eggs in the morning sounds great and I am happy to partake in the breakfast of champions, but sadly we got a schedule to adhere to. I can't even imagine what it's like for couples with children. It seems like the spontaneity could work both for and against you. This doesn't mean surprise sex is unwanted or off the table for me, it just means the next time you want to throw me on the kitchen table, you're cooking dinner AND washing the dishes after.


As I've gotten older, I've realized that I can still drink as much as I used to, I just can't recover like I used to. I thought it was bad when I would have hangovers until 5pm the following night. Now, if I have a hangover - my hangover has a hangover. If you're old, you know wtf I'm talking about too! It's the second day after a night of drinking where you no longer have a hangover, but you can definitely tell you were out drinking. You're tired, a little hazy, and simply out of it. The same applies to any other strenuous activities. I can only assume that having sex for 30-minute nowadays is the equivalent of getting your ass beat for 30-minutes (if you know me, pun always intended), so it's safe to say there will be a little down-time before the next ass beating.

All in all, having sex over the age of 35 sounds pretty horrible doesn't it? I promise it's not, I'm just being realistic and providing you with knowledge so that you're prepared for what's to cum. Tip #7 for instance, make sure to have some Gatorade and Salompas next to the whips and chains. Fear not youngins, there is a silver fox lining. When you're older and have sex, quality > quantity. You both know what you want and how to get it, and can probably get the same amount of satisfaction in 15 minutes of sex than you had in an hour of it. Plus, now you got an extra 47 minutes to do the laundry.

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