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  • dearabi

You Know How I Know I Need To Get Laid?

I swooned over an animated character. Imagine my friends faces when I start off my story with, “Man, I need to get laid. You ever watch that movie Tangled?” I’m surprised Chris Hansen doesn’t have my number on speed dial. Over the weekend whilst in my deathbed, I watched Tangled. Asides from it being a great movie that may or may not have made me cry towards the end, it had … umm … great animation. OK, real talk. I was checking out the leading male character in the movie, Flynn Rider, thinking to myself Man, if he was a real dude, I’d be all over that. Yes, I know how that makes me sound. I didn’t title this blog what I did without knowing this.

I checked out a mannequin. I forget where me and Nikko were shopping at Downtown when I saw them, but seeing three male mannequins in boxer briefs with plastic abs DIDN’T turn me on. It was the fact that these fake plastic abs reminded me of real ones that did. However, the kicker was these mannequins didn’t even have fucking heads on them. I WAS CHECKING OUT HEADLESS MANNEQUINS. Let us all bow our heads in silence now for my vagina please. Amen.

I’m actually scared to have sex again. For several reasons actually. One, I rather continue my quest of being a born again virgin than have sex JUST once. Consistency is key. If I’m not going to start having sex at least twice a week, I much keep things as is. My second reason coincides with the first, I may go fucking crazy. It’s like giving blood to a vampire whose weened themselves off blood for a few years. Or sending someone fresh out of rehab to a Motley Crue concert. Lastly, I’m afraid I may have forgotten how to do all things sexual. Is sucking dick like riding a bike? I sure hope so.

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