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What the FUCK?

There are very few things I feel uncomfortable talking about on here once the clock strikes midnight and it’s hump day. Cartoon porn is no exception. Hentai on the other hand makes me look around to make sure no one’s looking at my computer screen. For those of you that have no idea what I’m talking about, hentai is basically Japanime porn. But like. On some alien-tentacle-beastiality-type-crack-ecstasy-shit. Don’t worry, I’ll explain in a minute.

I remember coming home from school once to my cousin watching hentai in the living room. I’m a huge Ninja Scroll fan so I’m thinking, cool a new anime to watch. So I sit on the couch, and after about four seconds blurt out, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WATCHING?” 

“Hentai,” he says. Just like that. Nonchalantly as if it’s normal for a cartoon alien with the cock the size of a tree stump to be fucking a little Sailor Moon lookalike. After unsuccessfully trying to understand it for a few more seconds, I get up slightly traumatized and begin to pray for my cousins sins.

Cartoons having sex are entertaining to me. I’m not going to lie, I once sat through an entire clip of The Flinstones and the Rubbles having an orgy. While it didn’t get me horny, it did make me laugh. No harm done. Hentai would probably have the same effect if it weren’t for the fact that nothing about it looks pleasurable for the woman AT ALL. They look and sound like they’re getting raped. It’s definitely catered to sickos men, and women who like getting fucked by giant octopus I suppose.

It seems to me that the key ingredients in hentai are a brolic ass male (usually with some sort of authority), an innocent almost naive woman 16 in the face with the body of Ice-T’s wife Co-Co, forceful sex, high pitched screaming, lots of liquids (blood, jizz, saliva, sweat, take your pick), and tentacles. To each their own, but I PASS. It makes me wonder who on Earth actually enjoys this shit and why?

Perhaps Japanese males who although come from a culture where women are considered inferior to them, still feel oppressed by the traditional Western stereotype that Asian men have small penises. Thus, the degradation of these poor, helpless women in hentai allow them to feel some sort of redemption that ultimately gets them off. Or maybe there’s a subculture out there that gets horny over cephalopod sex with no psychological reasoning behind it. WHO KNOWS. All I do know is I’ll never eat calamari the same way again.

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