Toys R Us

I know it may sound like I have an entire treasure chest full of ass-plugs, and dildos but contrary to popular belief I’ve only owned two sex toys in my life. A “bullet,” and a “rabbit,” courtesy of my hayati. Even more surprising, I’ve only used these items a handful of times.

I have nothing against masturbation. Um hellooo, I am a FAN. Especially since I am an absolute failure at having casual sex and am about to visit the holy land of abstinence (which is an entirely different post of its own). I just prefer manual labor if you know what I mean.

The only time I even break out my furry plastic friend, is when I’ve misplaced my orgasm (yes this really does happen), or I’m on a time constraint and need a quick fix. And even then, I only use the ears (the vibrating part). I’ve only used the actual dildo, and was not impressed. Pretty sure my vagina is allergic to plastic.

At any rate, I prefer to use my hands because it allows me to have full control of the situation lol. My fingers are really the only condiments I need, however, the following are a few things I have on my shopping list:

Deep Throat Numbing Spray: I’m sorry, but when I see a chick deep throat without making any gagging sounds or yack faces, I stare in bewilderment and want to shake the bitches hand afterwards. It’s not one of the most admirable talents, but I salute yall nevertheless! Unfortunately, some of us don’t have the best gag reflexes and that’s why they invented this! And no, I don’t know if Chloraseptic has the same effect.

Flavored lube: I’m not fond of lube. Like, at all. I think I’ve tried to use it twice and both times I hated it. But sometimes when your vaginas all cried out *cue Allure and 112* you need a ‘lil extra help. The thing is, once you use lube you can’t have oral sex afterwards unless you like the taste of chemicals. It makes me wonder why they don’t make ALL lubes flavored. My girl referred me to a brand called “Dicilicious,” and from what she said it’s like brushing your teeth with penis toothpaste!

Sex swing: DUDE. DUDE. DUDE. DUUUUUUUUUUUUDE. This shit looks AMAZING. Why the fuck wouldn’t you want to have one of these babies in your home? Look at that chicks face, she’s having the time of her life … and she owes it all to the sex swing! Who needs Bowflex when you have one of these?

Folks, do you have a favorite toy? Have you tried any of these things? Don’t be shy, let me know!