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Throwback Thursday Post – Masturbation 03.04.2010


Everyone does it. I unfortunately started at a very young age. And while it’s now the year 2010 and more are open and even proud of it, there are still those who shy away at the mere thought.


Whether it be due to embarrassment or shame, or even denial, it is definitely not something to be proud of. But people shouldn’t be so hard on themselves either. It’s natural. It’s human. It happens. Hell, I do it. Almost everyday! I’m totally lying – everyday. In the morning when my alarm goes off, at night when I should be at the gym instead, and sometimes when it’s really bad, even at work. I am guilty of it all.

People of the world, my name is Abigail and I am a master-procrastinator. ‘Cuz like they say,“Procrastination is just like masturbation. At first it feels good, but in the end you’re only fucking yourself.”

I don’t know how many times I’ve taken pleasure in putting off writing an essay in college so that I could go to the beach with friends, play video games inside the student union, grab a burrito, go shopping, get my nails did, sketch a dress, twiddle my thumbs – basically do anything else BUT homework. Show me a pile of laundry that needs to be done, or a room that needs to be cleaned and I will show you 100 unecessary things I could and will do instead.

No matter how far in advance I was given a deadline, I’d still find myself blurry-eyed with a can of Red Bull at 1am starting the assignment hours before it was due. And if I had an exam at 2:30pm, you’d probably find me cramming in the library cutting the class before it just to study. If pressure makes diamonds, then I’m at least a 2 ct. GIA VVS D color stone baby. Whether it’s designing a flier, writing an article, sending a package, moving my car, or paying a bill – if the consequences only affect me, then I will most likely wait until the last minute to do it. It’s how I passed high school honors classes and graduated college as horrible as that reality may be.

The worst part is, once I get down to business and focus, I’m usually done in less than an hour. Sometimes I spend more time deciding what to wear on a date than that. Had I simply sucked it up and prioritized my time early on I could’ve easily avoided a lot of sleepless nights and hair pulling (and no, not the hurt so good kind). So why then do I still refuse to give myself a break and just deal with a task when it’s given to me?

There are many reasons we procrastinators do what we do. But I found an article my magazine writing professor at SF State brought to class to hold the most interesting truth. It stated that one reason we procrastinate is because well – WE CAN, and we feel a sense of victory upon completion. FUCKING RIDICULOUS but in a sense, so fucking legit. Because when I’m able to complete a paper in 1 hour, and turn it in 5 minutes before it’s due, AND get an A+ on it? Best believe the cocky fucker in me is saying in my best P. Diddy voice, “Take that, take that,” to all the suckers who spent days slaving away in front of their computer at Borders working on their shit. God I can be such an asshole.

Call us perverted bastards looking for a cheap thrill, because we’ll take it. It’s still a thrill nevertheless. Have you ever heard a man complain about busting a nut too fast when jacking off? I haven’t. But even so, I still hang my head in shame and don’t advise procrastinating to anyone if it can be avoided at all. It’s definitely not something my mother would be proud of. And I was about to write some witty conclusion to this post in an attempt to tie everything together but eh fuck it, I’ll do it later …

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