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Sizing Up the Competition

Since the beginning of time, mankind has scoured the Earth in search of the answer to the age old question of all questions, “Does size matter?” Today, on this hump Wednesday, I hope to answer that.

To make a long story short (but girthy) – NO.

But this is just my personal opinion which I will admit is based heavily on the fact that I’ve been lucky enough to have never encountered a small penis. I know, I’m an asshole. By small, I’m talking below the average which according to a few studies I’ve Googled, seems to be 5-6 inches.

To be completely honest, I guess size does matter. Just not in the way that you think. So to all the fellas packin a light lunch down there, fret not because bigger isn’t always better. The following are my reasons why. As usual on a Wednesday, read at your own discretion.

  1. Length >>> Girth: As long as he ain’t got no pencil dick I’d pick length over girth any day. Anything you can’t fit in your mouth is just a waste of appendage. It’s like eating a burger so big all the shit falls out and all you end up with is bun and ketchup. Sorry yall, I like MEAT and that shit just looks painful when a chick has to basically unhinge her jaw just to give head. At least with length, you can get a good 1/2 or 1/3 of it inside of you (which ever you prefer), so all is not lost.

  2. IF I ABSOLUTELY HAD TO PICK – Door stopper >>> Third leg: Jonah Falcon was crowned the man with the world’s largest dick in 2010, measuring 13.5 inches. That might sound appealing to some of yall freaks but let’s see how hot that shit is when your man is fucking you and you go deaf because his dick penetrates your eardrum. Fuck what ya heard for real.

One time I stumbled upon a WSHH clip of some random ass dude dancing with nothing but a sock over his dick. He proceeded to pick up one of these cans of air freshener and hold it next to his shlong to show that his shit was as big if not bigger. I don’t know how I’d be able to get off on pinky dick, but I do know that you are not sticking no damn Glade air freshener anywhere in me! I don’t care if I smell like Hawaiian Breeze afterwards, GTFOH!

  1. Lastly, for all my spoiled bitches: DO NOT LET THE OLD D RUIN YOUR NEW LOVE. I once dated a man with the most beautiful 8.5 incher I had ever laid my eyes on. Seriously, it was like Christmas morning everytime he’d whip it out. I had to refrain from clapping a few times. Unfortunately, an above average dick doesn’t necessarily equate above average sex. Fortunately for me though, the sex wasn’t just above average – IT. WAS. EPIC.Things didn’t last with Long Dong Silver (LDS), but luckily the next man I met rocked my world nonetheless. I just wasn’t sure if he’d rock my bedroom as well. I was almost positive that LDS ruined my sex life, so much that it took three tries before I came with the new guy. Not that it would’ve deterred me, but I had actually began to worry a little.Then the strangest thing happened. I fell in love, and stopped comparing. I “jizzed glitter,” and never questioned the authority ever again.

You should never underestimate the power of a genuine connection to a person. It may not make the dudes penis grow, but it can definitely make up for that missing inch or so.

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