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Shower Head.

Haven’t done a disclaimer in a while, but to any members of my family: STOP READING NOW.

Nope, not exactly what you think. Close though.

I discovered masturbation at an earlier age than I’d like to admit. I don’t remember exactly how old, but I do remember accidentally rubbing my crotch against one of the living room seat cushions not having any idea WTF just happened, yet still knowing it was wrong at the time. Since then I’ve humped pillows, and stuffed animals, and have fornicated with bullets, and rabbits, and vibrators oh my! However, it wasn’t until 40 Year Old Virgin debuted that I ever thought a shower head could make you dirty.

If you’ve watched the movie, then you should remember the scene where Elizabeth Banks’ character was in the bathtub using the water pressure from her shower head to get herself off. It was so foreign to me at the time that it took me a second to figure out what was going on. Call me prudent, but I was a little put-off by it. I mean, is it really that serious? Apparently it is.

Because not too long ago I found myself in the shower, bored and sexually frustrated staring up at the detachable shower head with a curiously shameful look on my face. I grabbed the shower head with the same apprehension as someone stealing candy with the shop owner right behind them. It’s now or never I tell myself, so there I am: naked bitch, all wet and shit masturbating in the shower. Sexy right? WRONG.

First of all, I get myself off best when I’m laying down on my stomach with my legs slightly spread out. If I tried to do this in the bathtub, not only would I look like a frog, I’d also probably drown. So there I am standing up, trying to think sexy thoughts while I bend my knees up and down humping the air. It got the job done, but the fact that I looked like a fucking idiot in the process just turned me off to myself.

Masturbating in the shower is a good way to go if you don’t have a lot of privacy, but I still prefer manual labor. The next time I have shower head, I’ll make sure there’s a penis involved.

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