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Make It Count.

If you ask me how many sexual partners I’ve had, I’ll give you two different answers: 9 and 12. It’s not some ploy to lower my number, it’s a valid appeal to my count. 

Go grab a tissue and a bucket of ice-cream, and let me explain. When I lost my virginity, it was to a friend I had known for at least five years. We were dating, but he wasn’t my boyfriend. I didn’t love him, and I barely even liked him. I was just a horny teenage girl with a sucker for piercings and tattoos. He only stuck his dick in my vagina ONCE, before the awkward took over and we both decided to stop. That means I should’ve still been a virgin at that point right? I mean, if you stab someone but don’t kill them, you’re not a murderer right? Someone? Anyone? Whatever, that makes my count 11.

The next guy was exceptionally disappointing, because he was number 10. Don’t you know I had all these plans to throw my vagina an extravagant #10 party?! There was going to be cake, balloons, vibrators, the whole she-bang! Your tenth fuck is big deal! Actually, it was a small deal. It’s not the fact that I didn’t orgasm, it’s the fact that I barely felt anything. Obviously, I considered that maybe I have a vast vagina. However, that is not the case. I’ve fucked average sized dicks after him, and got no complaints. I’ve also been told that my vagina is like a foamposite. So fuck you, that brings my count back down to 10.

Now the last guy, #12 might as well have not even happened. Again, it’s not so much that I didn’t orgasm, it’s the fact that there was no time to. He may have lasted seven minutes – and that’s being considerate. If a friend of mine is late for brunch seven minutes, I discount that too! So technically, this didn’t count either. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Thus, my count is 9.

Obviously, it doesn’t work out that way. If you have to use the word “technically,” it’s already the answer you wish it wasn’t. So I’ll own up to my ho-dom, and stick to magic #12. But for the love of God, I hope there’s such thing as Lucky #13.

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