If you ask me how many sexual partners I’ve had, I’ll give you two different answers: 9 and 12. It’s not some ploy to lower my number, it’s a valid appeal to my count.
Go grab a tissue and a bucket of ice-cream, and let me explain. When I lost my virginity, it was to a friend I had known for at least five years. We were dating, but he wasn’t my boyfriend. I didn’t love him, and I barely even liked him. I was just a horny teenage girl with a sucker for piercings and tattoos. He only stuck his dick in my vagina ONCE, before the awkward took over and we both decided to stop. That means I should’ve still been a virgin at that point right? I mean, if you stab someone but don’t kill them, you’re not a murderer right? Someone? Anyone? Whatever, that makes my count 11.
The next guy was exceptionally disappointing, because he was number 10. Don’t you know I had all these plans to throw my vagina an extravagant #10 party?! There was going to be cake, balloons, vibrators, the whole she-bang! Your tenth fuck is big deal! Actually, it was a small deal. It’s not the fact that I didn’t orgasm, it’s the fact that I barely felt anything. Obviously, I considered that maybe I have a vast vagina. However, that is not the case. I’ve fucked average sized dicks after him, and got no complaints. I’ve also been told that my vagina is like a foamposite. So fuck you, that brings my count back down to 10.
Now the last guy, #12 might as well have not even happened. Again, it’s not so much that I didn’t orgasm, it’s the fact that there was no time to. He may have lasted seven minutes – and that’s being considerate. If a friend of mine is late for brunch seven minutes, I discount that too! So technically, this didn’t count either. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Thus, my count is 9.