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  • dearabi

Know Better Love.

It's easier to be crazy. I could effortlessly spiral into an abyss of anxious attachment like it was my super power. If there was a superhero anxiety group, I'd be the Professor X(anax) of that cohort. Just call me Captain Anxiety. It's easier to create a catastrophe so big that there's nowhere else to go but from the ground up. But to actually ground yourself? To sit in your feelings, to be gentle with your thoughts, to breathe and make a logical decision? That takes a strength that rivals Thanos with all of the Infinity Stones.

The thing about knowing better, is knowing you now have to DO better. At times, this can be challenging. Other times, it can be downright debilitating. It's one thing to be in therapy, a whole other ballgame to take what you've learned in it and apply it to real life. All the "soft starts" and "radical acceptance" exercises tend to fly out the window when you're in the depths of your emotions. Sometimes it's easier to just drown in them, than to swim for your survival.

I thought that once I fond self-love all my problems would disappear. That I wouldn't cry or feel anxiety or second guess myself. But you can't help these things. Healed or not, you can't control feelings, but you can control how you react to it and that shit is hard. I've always had an anxious attachment style. It stems from when I was a little girl. From never having a father, to not having a permanent room, to my mom always leaving me for her boyfriends. I've done a lot of work around it and am proud to say that despite it, I communicate like someone with a secure attachment style. It's great, it really is. But it's also EXHAUSTING. It's like Jean Grey controlling the Dark Phoenix. Sometimes I feel like it's no better to know better. Ignorance is bliss right?

Unfortunately, everything always comes to light or you pay for it in the long run. It may be easier to embrace the "crazy" but the aftermath is killer. It's going to be hard, you will want to give up, you may take a step or two backwards, and you may lose people including yourself along the way. But I promise once you're able to become self-aware AND use that awareness to move in a way that supports a life you want to live, and the person you want to be - you'll be damn near untouchable. You actually feel like a superhero.

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