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How NOT to Take A Dick Pic.

If you’re a man and you’re reading things, congratulations! Not only are you brave, you’re smart. Now if you’re a man reading this that has sent a dick pic to a girl before, congratulations! Her entire crew has seen your shlong. Don’t act like you don’t know. Unless – or until she really  likes you, she’s already forwarded your dick to her best friend, and 2 closest friends in her inner circle. Oh, and probably her gay best friend too. No one is safe, which is why I always say that if you’re going to send a naughty pic, make sure it’s one you’re proud of. Not exactly sure what that looks like? Well, the following is what it doesn’t look like.

Angles: Lawwwd. You know how girls have their “best side”? If you’re unfamiliar, check your IG crush’s profile right now and see if there’s a specific side she usually takes pictures of. That’s her good side. Similarly, even the most beautiful penises have a bad side or angle. Word to the wise, if I can see the insect bites on your ass and random patches of hair under your balls, it’s probably not the most flattering angle. #gallery-19460-2 { margin: auto; } #gallery-19460-2 .gallery-item { float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 25%; } #gallery-19460-2 img { border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; } #gallery-19460-2 .gallery-caption { margin-left: 0; } /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

Cleanliness: I mean, COME ON SON. Do I even need to bring this up? Apparently, since I see so many pictures of men and women flexing in the bathroom with dirty draws hanging from their towel rack, or shit in their toilet. Of course cleanliness also applies to the star of the show, the dick itself! You don’t have to be a bald eagle (I personally like hair on my men), just make sure I can’t cornrow that bitch. And for the love of God, wash your fucking dick, lotion that shit up, make it look pretty before you hit send.

Don’t be gay: One of my best friends is gay. I love the fucking gays, so if you’re going to come at me with that rah rah bullshit #BYE. Yes, with the damn hashtag. Because I don’t mean this as a negative adjective/noun. I mean that certain poses are features are more appreciated by homosexual men and do not turn on women. 

Be at attention: Do men actually send flaccid pictures of themselves to women? If so, no judgment, but I’m genuinely interested in knowing why. Not only does it not stimulate us, it just looks all sad and droopy and shit. Why would you want us to feel depressed looking at your dick? 

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