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Dicktionary -Throwback Thursday 04.20.11

I will be the first to admit that “Dicktionary” was a lame ass title for this blog. But it was way better than Sexlopedia *smh* lame Abi, lame!

It’s pretty safe to say that throughout my work day, I’m chatting online with my friends at least 75% of the time. And it’s safe to say that at least 20% of that time, we’re talking about sex. But it wasn’t ’til last week during one totally non-suitable for work conversation with my homie that I realized just how many different kinds of sex people can have. So in observation of “hump day” (which I realize actually has absolutely nothing to do with humping) I’ve listed just a few of them. Feel free to add more. And don’t worry, I won’t judge you if you’ve had 80% of the sex listed here … I’m lying.

Revenge sex: The sex you have with someone you shouldn’t be having sex with for the mere purpose of making someone else pissed. The closer the relationship your sex partner has with the person you’re seeking revenge on the better. So your boyfriend cheated on you? Who better then to console you than his best friend or worst enemy … bukked-ass-nekkid.

Makeup sex: You know, when some one fucks up but not bad enough for yall to break up or get too angry at each other. The two of you just miss each other and want to say sorry for fighting over something so stupid. And one of you wants to say it with your penis.

Angry sex: Probably the most popular amongst my peers, I can best describe it as two people still being angry at each other and taking the aggression out via standing doggy-style or reverse cow-girl. Imagine you and your woman are at the club and she swears you’re staring at some chick except you swear you thought it was your 2nd grade teacher and you’re fighting all the way home and then maybe she slaps you at the front door except you kinda like it so the two of you end up fighting because she’s horny but doesn’t want to give in.

Angry makeup sex: Apparently, it’s the best kind to have. An obvious combination of the previous two – angry yet comforting. I’d imagine it to be like giving and receiving both an apology and punishment at the same time, except on ecstasy.

Insurance sex: The sex you have that you know you probably shouldn’t have that technically isn’t wrong but morally is. But you’re only doing it because you aren’t sure if the person you’d rather have sex with is only having sex with you. So you keep it to kinda have a one-up on your partner, in the event that a few months down the road they tell you they cheated you can pull a “HAH! It’s cool ‘cuz I fucked so-and-so anyway!”

Bored sex: And I don’t mean the two of you are home with nothing to do. I’m talking you’re bored with life and she’s right there, and he ain’t too bad looking so you might as well just get it in.

Morning sex: Not sure why it gets its own classification when evening and afternoon sex don’t, but considering I had an entire blog post dedicated to it, it’s obviously special. I could definitely go into an R-rated explanation of it all, but I’ve already done so here.

Guilty sex: The kind you have when you went through your mans cell phone or email expecting some shady shit only to find nothing, or even worse the guestlist for the surprise birthday party he was planning on throwing you. Or the kind you have with your girl when you come home from cheating on her and she has your absolute favorite-tist meal prepared on the table. Yeah, that kind you fucking jerks!

Pity sex: The kind you have when duh, you feel sorry for someone. Mostly because you know they want more of you yet sex is all you can give them right now. Either that, or they had a bad day so you hope the sex will make them feel at least slightly better.

Good-bye sex: Last time you have sex with someone >>> First time you have sex with someone any day. It’s the sex you have when you’ve tried, and tried, and tried to make the relationship work but know it just can’t. But you’re so tired there’s no longer enough energy to bear hard feelings over it, yet just enough energy to have sex for the very last time. ‘Cuz as many problems as you’ve guys had, sex was never one of them. It’s a parting gift, something the other person can remember you by, that maybe, just maybe if good enough, may just buy the two of you a little more time.

Celebration sex: Celebration sex is happy sex! Birthday? Promotion? Just won the lottery? Just won your fight? Just bought a new house? It’s Tuesday? It’s sunny outside? AWESOME! Let’s celebrate by having sex!

“I just got a fade/I just got my cho-cha waxed” sex: Because you gotta pay that shit forward lmao. I’m sorry, I’m really laughing to myself as I type this. I mean come on! Who has sex just ‘cuz they don’t wanna waste a trip to the barber shop or $60 on a Brazillian?Do people really find it imperative to bang someone just because they’re feelin so fresh, so clean, so fly, or so landing strip? WHO DOES THAT?! Trust me, more than you think.

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