Dear Diary – Can’t Hardly Wait Edition.
A few weeks ago I had lunch by myself at Sea Breeze Cafe in my old neighborhood by the beach. They have outdoor seating, and the weather was too nice to take my food to go. As I sat there sipping on my coconut juice straight from the coconut, I looked down at the beach I used to run every week when I still lived in SF. I laughed to myself thinking how stupid I was to have ever left. In that moment, I felt so comfortable. So at home. And that’s exactly how I knew I needed to leave.
To update everyone, I’m currently back home waiting on my apartment in NY to be ready. Couch surfing since January and having to move almost every two weeks has proved to be mentally exhausting. Although I’m more than grateful to have generous people in my life to offer me their couch, if I can make it easier for myself without compromising my integrity/dignity, then you better believe I will do so.
Since that beautiful afternoon by the beach, I’ve spent most of my days having lunch with old co-workers, and meeting up with my friends for happy hour. Baseball games, ice-cream dates, day drinking in the park, and Sunday Fundays just like the good old days. It felt like a breath of fresh air, but it also reminded me of why I left to begin with.
As much as I am in love with San Francisco, I know I can’t be here right now. I feel like the city can’t do anything for me at this specific point in my life. In no way do I think this means that one has to move away from home in order to be successful in life, I just believe that if I stayed here nothing would change for me. Sure I would have a good job, I would be having a blast with my girls, and would feel happy. But I don’t think I’d feel complete.
Some people might think that I gave up just because I decided to go home until the apartment was ready in NY. Why would I give up now when I didn’t give up when I was on my last $30 and didn’t know where I would stay the next week? Even my own friends gave me puppy dog eyes and asked, “You’re gonna come back right?” It would actually be easier if I was ass’d out on the street. That would be a good reason to move back. However, I’m closer now than I’ve ever been to my goals. To give up now would be absurd.
To say I’m frustrated, would be an understatement. But you’d be underestimating me if you thought I’d give up so easily.