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Crouching Tiger, Silent Dragon.

I’m totally giving away my age here, but does anyone else remember making paper ninja stars when they were little? You know, these:


Is it me or is it as if ninjas never go out of style? Maybe it’s because I’m “Asian.,” and I was surrounded by it growing up. Either way, I don’t know a single boy that wasn’t a ninja for Halloween, it was right up there next to Spiderman. Everything about ninjas were just … COOL. Their costumes, their weapons, etc. But you know what’s NOT cool?

Ninja sex.

And I’m not talking about sex that ends so quick, it was as if it never happened (although that’s not cool either). I’m referring to sex where you have to be so quiet, it’s as if no one’s even there.

I haven’t had sex at my own crib in almost a year and I’m sure my roommates upstairs appreciate that, because my walls are so paper thin I can hear when someone coughs. I can hear when someone pees in the middle of the night. And I can hear when someone’s phone goes off – ON VIBRATE. Which only let’s me know that they can hear the bed squeaking and me … oh you know … uhhh … “praying”.

While I’ve been blessed to have had good sex, I’ve been cursed with no volume control during it. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, I’m sure the man who’s making me reach decibels I never knew I had doesn’t mind. But I’m sure his neighbors do. I remember one even complaining, “Hey. It’s cool you know. On the weekends and stuff. But last Wednesday it was hard for me to sleep, and I had work the next day.” Shit. Shit. Shit.

Ninja sex sucks, but unless no one’s home you’re only other option is to NOT HAVE SEX. That is not an option.  Alas, we are always told that there is always a silver lining. The silver lining about ninja sex? It leads to gagging sex, biting pillow sex, and my personal favorite – face down ass up sex.

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Intimacy. Licking your brain, while massaging mine. Exploring you inside and out. Becoming one then two then one again. Feeling you. Tasting you. Loving you. Lingerie and tailored suits, sundresses an

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