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Channing Tatum, I Love You.

Along with the rest of the heterosexual female population and homosexual gay population, I watched Magic Mike over the weekend and it’s official: Channing Tatum can be the first to put it in the booty-hole. Not because he’s fine as shit, or because his body makes me want to do laundry. But because I LOVE HIM. Like, in my heart. I love him (lmao I couldn’t even type that with a straight face).

Below are a few things I have to say about the movie. While it doesn’t give away the plot (probably because it doesn’t really have one), I’d advise you proceed with caution if you haven’t watched it yet.

  1. You would think that someone who writes in great detail about sex once a week wouldn’t be phased by a movie about the dude from Step Up pelvic thrusting. THINK AGAIN my friends. I was covering my mouth, and giggling like a little school girl during every dance scene. It was as if I’ve never seen a penis before!

  2. Obviously, I didn’t watch the movie expecting the acting genius of Will Smith or Hillary Swank, but holy shit I didn’t expect such bad acting either. Cody Horn was the absolute WORST. Granted, there wasn’t much acting needed, but that’s exactly why it was even worse! Channing Tatum was actually the best actor in the entire film, and I’m not being sarcastic or hoping he’ll read this and want to divorce his wife for me either. 

  3. This movie single-handedly revived the popularity of Ginuwine’s “Pony.”

  4. I have a crush on Olivia Munn all over again. Asides from the fact that she was a cheating whore, her character in the film seemed like someone I could kick it with in real life hah. Plus, she’s gorgeous and has nice boobs that she graciously shares with us in the opening scene.

  5. If this movie were a book, it would be located in the most fiction of the fiction sections, or on a shelf marked “adult fairytales,” because a man as fine as Channing Tatum in “real life” with money, and hella bitches throwing themselves at him every night is not gonna give a flying 747 if a female cares about his custom furniture designs. Show me one, and I’ll buy my engagement ring myself.

  6. All in all, I think the movie deserves an Oscar. Or at least an AVN award. I seriously was all hot and bothered by all the scenes where Channing Tatum humps the floor. I thought I didn’t like male strippers, and I don’t. Except for when they look and dance like Channing Tatum. Maybe I just need to get laid. Whatever the reason, I was doing kegel exercises throughout the movie. I don’t fuck on the first date (or fourth come to think of it), but if I had watched Magic Mike on the first date with someone I was attracted to, I would’ve needed to masturbate in the bathroom afterwards. Otherwise, it would’ve definitely went down. 

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