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because the blues just aren't as blue without you.

One of many things that suck about being heartbroken is there will be a period of time where the things you once loved to do no longer bring you joy. People will tell you to do things that make you happy and to go where you're loved. Sometimes, this not only doesn't help, but it makes you feel worse, because you are doing all these things and with all these people yet still thinking about the very person who hurt you. While there are worse things you could be doing than downward dog with depression, sometimes you just end up going through the motions. I don't know what's worse - crying in the rain or under the sun.

Normally, when I wake up to sunshine filtering through my curtains I am immediately filled with light and warmth. Especially because I live in a neighborhood known for its gloom and fog. When I'm depressed however, there might as well be a thunderstorm directly over my building that follows me wherever I go, because it doesn't matter. The blue skies just aren't as blue and the sun just doesn't shine the same way without him. One, that's the most stupid yet most real shit ever and two, I better put some respek on Mother Nature's name! That's a lot of power to take away from her and give to a mere mortal.

I figured it out this morning. The optimal weather conditions for my broken heart are sunny, but not gorgeous. I know, I know, but hear me out. Weather too beautiful either makes me feel ungrateful or makes me wish I could spend the day with him. A dreary day is already associated with sadness, so I get a pass. This weather report has been brought to you by the unhealed, have a good day San Francisco.

I wish I could predict time like the weather, because I want to tell you - I want to tell ME, that it will all be better soon. The truth is, I don't know when it will be better, BUT IT WILL BE BETTER. I have felt in my bones that the sun would never shine again the way it used to at least three times in my life and it always eventually did. I remind myself of this everytime I feel defeated. Sometimes it makes me feel better, and sometimes it doesn't. So if you want to wallow in the weather, I understand. Just know, even if you don't want to bask in the sunshine right now - that you will find joy once again. You will love to write, draw, make music, work out, run, dance, sing, hike, and cook once again. And one day those blue skies will just be blue instead of give you the blues.

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