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There it is again, the word “SEX“. Actually no, it wasn’t even s-e-x, it was “s-*-x.” The entire word wasn’t even spelled out and she was already scratching her eyeballs out wishing she had never read that blog post. Sure, it was a part of her normal morning routine but she knew she shouldn’t have continued reading right after she saw the non-word “s*x”. Because that was all she needed to see to get horny … again. And she knew that if she got horny enough, she might just miss that other word she wished had never existed – “him.”

She rolls over and looks at the digital clock flickering in the distance and then at the empty space next to her in bed. 7:37am. “It is way too early to be horny,” she thinks then takes it back soon as she remembersthe last time she had morning sex. It was sometime after 6:30 and before 7:00am, exactly one week ago. Which really ain’t shit when you think about it, and definitely nothing compared to her previous record breaking drought of a year and 7 months. But when you’ve been getting dicked down three times a day, three times a week, for the past six months? A week is like an eternity.

She looks back at the clock, 7:40am. Too fucking early to be this sexually frustrated yet too late to rub one out before work. So she grudgingly hops in the bathroom to take a cold shower and heads out.

It’s definitely a Starfucks, excuse me, Starbucks morning she thinks. As she waits in line for the guy behind the counter whose obviously banging the latin barista to take her order, she can’t help but feel like the female version of Josh Hartnett in 40 Days and 40 Nights. EVERYTHING REMINDED HER OF PENIS. HIS penis. And what a wonderful penis it was. Big, but not scary get the fuck outta here big. It was kinda perfect – its owner on the other hand not so much. She begins to imagine herself walking hand in hand with his perfect penis through a meadow of sunflowers and then her vagina slaps her and she manages to gather her thoughts long enough to place her order.

“Tall white chocolate mocha with extra whip and a slice of poundcock please.”

OH FUCK MY LIFE she screams on the inside as she feels her face flush. And with that she knows it’s gonna be a long, hard, dick – I mean day.

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