Don’t get it twisted. There are actors I star fuck, and then there are specific movie characters I want to bang. As if all that didn’t already sound crazy, there IS a difference. For instance, Channing Tatum’s character “Magic Mike” isn’t on this list because I’d fuck Channing Tatum in real life on any given Sunday (or any day ending in “Y” for that matter). And the entire cast of Takers isn’t on this list, because T.I.? Hi, been loved him. Paul Walker? What movie isn’t he hot in? Michael Ealy? I’d fuck him on his worst day. Although handsome as hell, the men on this list only appeal to me in certain roles. This list is dedicated to the fictional onscreen characters I’d like to make sweet nonfictional love to.
1. Legolas from The Lord of the Rings. Not Orlando Bloom, just Legolas. Nobody wants to fuck the the English actor that was a pussy in Pirates of the Caribbean (asides from Miranda Kerr at least), they want to bang the brave elf who slid down mammoth trunks and killed orcs with his bow and arrow. I specifically remember a scene from one of the films where he pulled back his bow to take aim, and looked so hot I swear I got Mirk Wood.
2. Melvin Smiley in The Big Hit. I’ve always had a soft spot for Mark Wahlberg also known as “Marky Mark”. Especially when he played the sensitive hit man in the 90s movie The Big Hit. There was something so sexy and intriguing about the way he’d kill someone with no remorse, then check to make sure his female hostage was OK immediately after.
3. Noah in The Notebook. Obviously one of the greatest love stories of all time is going to have one of the greatest leading men of all time, and Ryan Gossling’s character in The Notebook is just that. But forget the fact that he was a loyal and loving. What makes him hot is the infamous kissing in the rain scene in the video below. “It wasn’t over, IT STILL ISN’T OVER!” Rawr!
4. O-Dog in Menace II Society. I apologize on behalf of my 7th grade self for this pick. The Abi today would never crush on a gang banging punk with no reverence for the human life, but 1) I was 12 and 2) O-Dog isn’t real. At any rate, I guess the saying rings true, “Good girls like bad guys” and you couldn’t get any worse than O-Dog.
5. King Leonidas in 300. I mean, how the fuck can you NOT wanna bang King Leonidas ?! I don’t even blame men for wanting to fuck King Leonidas in this film. He was a brave leader, lethal fighter, King of Sparta, his 6-packs had 6-packs, and I bet he fucked his wife Queen Gorgo with the vigor of 300 soldiers.
There’s so much more I’m missing and can’t seem to remember, so please feel free to add!