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  • dearabi

Whore Kit

It’s Friday which means the weekend is just a few hours away, and you know what that means for some people – another night of getting wasted and waking up in a strangers bed … or couch … or floor. I love living vicariously through my friends, or hell, even through friends of friends. I find it fascinating when I hear stories about getting it on in the back of a car with someone they just spilled their drink on minutes before.

Hey, don’t judge! As long as the parties involved are both single I find no shame in their game. My only stipulation is they are grown about their shit. They are responsible about their shit. And they are prepared. In other words, bitch better have a whore-kit. Now if you’re not familiar with what a whore-kit consists of, then 1) Stop lying! lol and 2) Read on!

1) Wisp: These aren’t the best fighters against gum disease and gingivitis, and the bristles are useless BUT they do the job. They’re compact, and come in handy in the event you don’t sneak out the house and actually kiss your one night stand good-bye. Plus, you don’t want your girlfriend commenting on your penis breath when she picks you up around the corner.

2) Makeup Wipes: Because if there’s one thing that screams “ho fa’sho”, it’s smeared eyeliner and a false eyelash that’s hanging on for dear life. And nothing screams, “Holy shit you’re ugly with the lights on!” like rolling over and dude punching you because he thought he slept with a drag queen. These can also double as body wipes for your ho-bath. KEEP IT FRESH LADIES. The point is to NOT look like you just woke up at some strangers house after a night of too many Yager Bombs.

3) A change of shoes: These “Sidekicks” are ingenious if you have space for them in your purse. Luckily, they’re foldable and look more put together than a pair of paper flip-flops from the nail shop. There are just some shoes that aren’t meant to be worn before the sun goes down, and a pair of acrylic heels are one of them. Even if you are wearing a mini-skirt 10am on the Sabbath, a pair of ballet flats can make them look casual and give your feet a break from the night before. Because the only thing worse than looking like a trick, is walking like one.

4) Extra panties: These aren’t necessary but if you’re going to have a One Night Stand kit, you might as well have an extra pair of panties in it. Because even if you use those wipes to clean up your vagina it’s almost pointless if you’re slipping back into a thong with evidence of last nights DNA swap on ’em. It just makes you feel clean even if you are a dirty little girl.

5) Misc: These are things that aren’t necessary but definitely helpful IF there’s room. Some Excedrin for that hangover you’ll probably have and not that I condone this but Plan B just in case it was THAT kind of night would be good (although, you already know you shouldn’t be having one night stands without protection to begin with. yes, I’m giving you the mom look and finger point). Lastly, some body spray. There’s probably more things I can think of, but it would turn this one night stand into a slumber party and this “whore kit,” into a “whorebag.” Yeah, exactly.

p.s. THIS is ingenious lol. But now everytime I see a girl rockin it I’m not gonna think, “fashion maven,” I’m gonna think, “hussy!”

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