Written 02.05.13
Today I got another rejection email from a company that I was really excited to work for. What made it more painful was that I was already on my second interview, so I actually thought I had a chance. The news really bummed me out, so I took a walk outside in the snow. For some reason snowfall seems to calm me down here in NY. Similar to when I would run the beach back at home for some clarity. Seeing the ocean and how vast it was, always reminded me of how much bigger the world was compared to whatever problem I had.
The snow was just a little flurry and I went back to my friends apartment after to finish up an essay. Around 9:40pm I had a sudden sweet tooth, and decided to grab some cupcakes. On the way there, I called my mom to update her on life. After joking about her being torn by two loves aka Flacco and Harbaugh, I told her I didn’t get the job.
“Abi, you need to come home,” she said.
I felt my heart break a little when she said that. It wasn’t what she said that hurt. Like any mom that misses her child, she’s said it dozens of times before. It was the tone in her voice when she said it. It was a sound I had never heard from her before. It was one of defeat. I don’t think my mom gave up on me. She goes hard for her baby-girl. She’d think I’d win 1-on-1 against Jordan if ever the match came up. But. In her eyes, I believe she just couldn’t see any other way for me to make it out here anymore. And. I haven’t had any good news to share with her since I moved.
I felt a pang of anxiety start to grow in my stomach, and my eyes began to water. That shit was NOT what I needed to hear at that moment.
“I’ll call you back mom, I’m at the cupcake place,” I said.
“You need to come home,” she replied in that same fucking tone.
“I’ll wait until the end of the month,” I said.
“Come home,” she enforced once again. FUCK, can you not?
“End of the month mom,” I said. And I held back my tears until I got back on the couch.
Rach said my mom just doesn’t want to see me struggle. I believe her. I’m not even mad at my mom for what she said. It just didn’t help the situation out at all. At the same time, I know when to throw in the towel. And it’s not that time yet.
So I’ll try to drown out what my mom said, and most of all the way she said it. And remember what Jeyel told me instead.
“No, you do it until you can’t no more.”