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The Pursuit of Happiness.

Since I was little, I’ve been a chaser. You’d think I’d have better stamina by now. I’ve chased people, dreams, the sun, and like many others – happiness. I’ve been chasing, yet never fast enough.

Lordt, I am tired. And I got a bum ankle.

Standing in front of Zara the other day, I had a full blown moment. The kind of moment where had it been a movie, it would’ve been filmed in slow motion over dramatic music. I watched seemingly affluent tourists, businessmen and women walk past me carrying their designer bags, getting picked up by black car service, and taking business calls. And I asked myself, “Is this all there is?”

I had just accepted a job offer, and was shopping to celebrate. Yet, in that moment I no longer felt jubilant. For the past few years, I’d been chasing a better company to work for, a better position, a better paycheck, and I got it. But that feeling of what I assumed to be happiness when I got the job offer was fleeting. It made me wonder if I’d be spending the rest of my life chasing the “next best thing?” Until what? Until when? Am I ungrateful?I’m not dense. I know money isn’t everything and it doesn’t guarantee happiness. So WTF was I waiting for then?

It was in that moment, I realized that the true meaning of happiness for me, is finding your purpose in life and sharing it with the rest of the world.  I could be wrong, but I believe my purpose is to use my writing to help people feel like they’re not alone. Some may argue that I’ve been doing that, but my big picture goal has always been to write a book. This is something I obviously haven’t done yet. It remains just another empty promise I made to myself. A purpose killer.

The idea of being miserable until I write the book did cross my mind. Trust me, I do miserable so well. But instead, I decided to find purpose in everyday. In every moment. In every morning stretch, in every good night kiss. In every celebration and in every rejection. Instead of beating myself up for every moment I’m not doing something to contribute towards my big picture, I think of the little picture and wake up everyday thankful with intent. That way, I can find joy – whether big or small, in everyday. Even the hard days. Especially the hard days.

This concept of finding purpose in everyday isn’t anything new, but it is new to me. Sounds simple enough, yet it took me 37 years. Am I happy since my new discovery? Not yet, I’m battling 30+ years of reprogramming here. But am I less miserable, ungrateful, and negative because of it? ABSOLUTELY. I hope you all find your purpose, and maybe – just maybe, some happiness along the way. 

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