RoseElephant copy.jpg
  • dearabi

The Difference.

I knew I could marry my ex boyfriend when I knew I would be OK if we broke up.


This doesn't mean I didn't think I wouldn't cry if we did. I've cried a lot. On some days I would cry would happen so fast with no trigger, I didn't even have time to fight the spiral. In the middle of making breakfast, cutting fruit, or making tea, I wouldn't even feel the tears well up - just streams down my face leaving hot, salty trails behind.


This doesn't mean I didn't think I wouldn't be lonely. When I'm not enjoying the company of friends I'm filling the spaces in between my breaths with the love I have for myself. But in between feeling independent and liberated and self love, I feel immense loneliness. The kind that makes you cry from the inside out - soul first, heart second, and eyes last.


This doesn't mean I wouldn't miss him. Sometimes I think I'm actually going crazy, because I miss him so much I think he's still there. I still see him working at his desk. Playing golf. Driving me around, and crazy. Doing goofy dances just to make me laugh.


This doesn't mean I wouldn't be absolutely, devastatingly heartbroken. I am still struggling. I still haven't moved on. I have dreams. On some days I feel like I'm floating instead of living. I want to reach out to him then beat myself up for even thinking about it.


This doesn't mean I didn't blame myself. I spent the first few months counting all the things I did wrong. Remembering all the times I could've been better. Thinking of how things could've been so different. Wishing I would've said "Thank you" and "I am so proud of you" and "I know you're trying" more.


So what is the difference then? The difference is despite the tears, I laugh and smile with an honesty I can feel in my bones. Despite the loneliness, I embrace the solitude. Even though I miss him, I remind myself why he's not here. Even when my heart is breaking, I still know I'm enough. Despite all my faults, I still love myself. The difference is I said I would be OK, and I actually am.


91 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

I Sea You.

There's nothing like the sea, to make you see. Just how small you really are. Not small like the grains of sand covering the beach Small like the stars, Fire and energy in the distance, shining throug

The Audacity.

A few days ago I shared a story on Instagram about the time I moved to New York to pursue writing, yet told the cashier at Brooklyn Industries I was an Office Manager. My friend in the nicest way poss