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So You’re Saying I No Longer Have A Chance?

By the time you read this, it will be very obvious that the world did not destruct on 12.21.12. But for Channing Tatum lovers like myself, it might as well have.

Along with thousands of other viewers, I watched VH1’s Diva’s Live last week and wanted to throw a brick at the TV as soon as Jenna Dewan-Tatum graced my television screen. I watched as she not so subtly scratched her belly in an attempt to send a subliminal signal to her hubby watching. However, I knew the minute she floated onto stage in her flowy baby-blue ensemble, that a God was baking in the oven.

Immediately after, I texted my best friend my theory making sure to include every single sad emoji face on my keyboard. The next day she text me back saying the rumors were true according to Channing and Jenna’s official Instagram (I mean damn, I’m already sharing MY MAN with you, you gotta share an Instagram account with him too?). Then, last Friday I got back from a holiday party buzzed from glogg to find that my mom had left me a box of tissues on the couch. Puzzled, I stepped closer and saw the following.


To add insult to injury, the two had to announce the pregnancy to the world on paper. In permanent ink. It was then that I dropped down to my knees, picked up the pieces of my broken heart … and consoled myself with some chicken adobo. My sexual fantasies about Channing humping the floor to Ginuwine’s Pony enabled me to look past that stupid vow of fidelity him and Jenna exchanged under the law and in the eyes of God. But I couldn’t fantasize about being that very same floor hearing a crying baby in the background of my mind!!!

So fuck you Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan-Tatum for being so in love and fucking gorgeous that the two of you can’t help but procreate. YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE. Now who the hell am I going to grant the honor of being the first to stick it in the booty-hole? *Le sigh* It’s a good thing Alex Pettyfer is only 22.

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