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Right Hair, Right Now

I once dated a man who one day pleasantly surprised me by growing out a goatee … and I had never wanted to sit on his face so bad.

“I got lazy,” he said.

“I’m getting horny,” I thought.

“I don’t do it too often though, I think it makes me look older,” he said.

“I think it makes you look hotter,” I thought.

“I like it, I think it makes you look younger,” I said.

And ever since then he’d sport a well-groomed goatee everytime he’d pick me up. A goatee he maintained even after we stopped dating. Mmhmm *cue Beyonce’s Upgrade You* So I’m mad.

Anyway, I’m not sure when it happened, but one day I woke up and realized all of a sudden that I had a thing for facial hair. Long gone were the days of me swooning over a clean, smooth face. My obsession for pretty boys had been replaced with a fixation for the rough, the scruff, and the rugged. That isn’t to say I’m not attracted to the freshly shaven, I just have a preference nowadays. Although a handsome man is a handsome man regardless, facial hair can make a huge difference in their appearance. I guess a woman’s haircut or hair color would be the closest comparison. It could mean the difference between taking her home and ravaging her, or letting her have it in the car on the way back because you can’t contain yourself for that long.

In some cases, facial hair can make you look like an entirely different person. Perhaps the best example is SF Giants closer Brian Wilson aka my future ex-husband. I sometimes wonder if 1) People would recognize a clean-shaven Wilson on the streets, and 2) If people even knew he existed before the beard. Let’s take a look at its evolution shall we?

Here he is with absolutely no facial hair. He looks so vanilla. Not even french vanilla or vanilla bean. Just vanilla. And I wouldn’t even look at him twice.

In this picture we see him growing out the beard. OK B-Weezy I see your potential, but it’s overshadowed by the BROSEPH in you. And I just couldn’t date a dude who looks like he hogs the bathroom and owns more hair products than I do.

Then we have the Brian Wilson I masturbate to at night most Giants fans have come to know and love. Along with his new black beard came a newfound persona, humor, and appeal. To some he looked intimidating, but to me he looked like a “choker.” I didn’t fear the beard, I wanted it between my legs. Hollaaa.

I used to hate facial hair. The full on beards made men look dirty, like someone’s Uncle from Nebraska or Tito straight out of Manila. The scruff hurt when you kissed, and gave me chin burn. So I have no idea where all this came from. Beards and stache’s used to remind me of Tom Selleck, 70s porn, and Dirty Sanchez’s. Now it reminds me of Tony Sunshine, making porn, and Dirty Jonathan Sanchez.

I’m not sure what it is about the right facial hair on a handsome man that makes my clit-clap. Perhaps it’s the “bad-boy” connotation that is usually associated with it. What was the difference between Denzel as a cop in Training Day and Denzel as a cop in Out of Time? A sexy ass goatee, that’s what – “My man.”

I usually try to have some sort of Jerry Springer type words of inspiration after I write a bunch of nonsense, but it’s Friday so I’m excusing myself. But truth be told; having facial hair is NOT a requirement for me to date you, and some men look better without it. So no need to wind your clocks forward in anticipation for a 5 o’clock shadow. It’s all about what looks good on the man. Let’s not forget that even too much of a good thing can be a bad thing.

Now please Brian Wilson, just stop it now. Just stop. Please. That shit is just gross.

But you can still get it.

So ladies, what do you prefer? Facial hair or no facial hair?

#fearthebeard #brianwilson #broseph #goatee #dirtysanchez #facialhair

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