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Penis Envy.

Being a woman is AWESOME, don’t get me wrong. Owning a vag comes with some serious perks. But there’s that 1 week of the month when Aunt Flow’s in town where I have absolute penis envy. I mean, it’s bad enough the man upstairs (and I don’t mean the landlord) cursed us with cruel and unusual punishment aka child labor, but to add insult to injury he tossed in a menstrual cycle as well?

That just ain’t right J.C.

It’s during this week of bloating, acne, cramps, pms, and mood swings that makes me want to wrap up the vag and “return to sender” that bitch. If ur a dude and still don’t get it, then try wiping ur ass after u take a shit while ur bleeding from a neighboring hole.

Yah, I thought so.

So while the rest of the month I embrace my vagina with glee, for 7 days I secretly wish I was born Abraham instead of Abigail so that I wouldn’t have to envy you men for the following:

  1. The ability to pee while standing up – Someone once asked me what’s the first thing I’d do if I had a dick, and I said I’d write my name on a wall while taking a piss. It’s so much more convenient, and if u’ve ever had to wait in the car while I took a leak behind a bush u’ll know that I take a looong time ‘cuz I am the worst squatter ever.

  1. Double standards – This topic could be an entirely separate blog on it’s own but it’s pretty simple. We wanna be able to fuck, have booty calls, and one night stands without being called a whore. Prime example: Kim K. and Ray-J’s sex tape (which was WACK btw) leaks and Ray-J’s a pimp while Kim K’s a slut. WTF?! I don’t get it.

  2. Sexism – While more and more females are emerging as CEO’s and political figures, I think we’re far from being treated as equals. Because either we slept our way to the top (Kim Osori) or we’re a bitch (Martha Stewart) or a dyke (Hillary Clinton). No matter how intelligent and capable, I honestly believe that some men will never be able to genuinely look beyond our ASSets and give us the full respect in the boardroom we deserve.

  3. Prep time – I will have u know I once bought an entirely new outfit for a first date when I’m pretty sure all the guy did was shave, IF anything. For a “date” it usually takes me between 45 mins to 1 hour and 30 mins to get ready depending on just how crucial the date is. The average dude (metros aside) takes about 15 mins, 20 mins max. And while I suppose it’s not entirely ur fault for only having 2 looks – jeans and a tee vs. suit and tie, u still get a big, bitter “fuck u asshole” from me for being able to make the “scruffy” look sexy while a “scruffy women,” per my convo w/ Rach, translates to this:

  1. Being born with only 3 feelings, and the “fuck it,” gene – Hungry, happy, horny. “Anger,” is only felt when 1 of the previous feelings aren’t satisfied but because of the “fuck it gene,” and low standards they’re usually met in no time. Additionally, if there’s a problem amongst men they can easily address it, follow it with a playful punch on the arm, and then they’re pretty much over it and back to being butt buddies. Most females on the other hand, will hold a secret grudge against u and swear ur trying to ruin their lives all while still offering to throw ur bachelorette party.

I would add that yall have the best kicks and t-shirt designs while we’re stuck with hearts and glitter, and those God awful things called BABY-TEES buuuut that’s just being petty. So instead, I’ll just sit here and think of how lucky I am to not ever have to buy an engagement ring, to be able to bat my lashes and sweetly smile my way into a club, and to possess the gift of multiple orgasms.

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