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Ooh Boyfriend Please!

Oh you know, just chillin with my bro.

If I could change the ever-so-misunderstood title of my blog, I wouldn’t. However, I would add one little subtitle so it read: Girls are the New Boys (except for when they act like girls). Because girls are still girls, boys are still boys, and I still believe in certain sexist double standards. Yes, it’s completely acceptable for me and a group of my girls to gather ’round the card table, and play some Hold ‘Em over obscene amounts of beer. And yes it’s acceptable for men and their boys to gather ’round the fireplace with a bottle of wine, cheese, and crackers to talk about feelings … but I’ll still make fun of you for it. Yes, a woman can watch girl on girl porn, get off on it, and still be straight. And yes if a guy watched gay porn, and got off on it he’d be well – gay.

The following are a few things girls constantly do that some men wouldn’t mind partaking in, but due to a stereotypical society just can’t seem to get away with. As usual, if you have anything to add feel free to do so!

Borrow each others clothes: I think it’s safe to say that the rule amongst friends is if you can fit it, you can borrow it and vice versa. Right this very minute, I have a top and a jacket at my girls house and her Toms have been held hostage in my room for at least a month. It’s an efficient way to double your wardrobe without spending any money! Yet I can’t remember the last time one of my homies borrowed one of their boys button ups to the club because they liked the color scheme but didn’t want to buy it themselves. There are of course exceptions like an unplanned game of hoop, but even then men have their reservations. “Our feet stink, and sweat. I’m not trying to have my boy borrow my gym shoes,” an ex of mine once said (FYI I believe him but his feet never smelled around me). I personally don’t see anything wrong with it all, but I guess I would give the side eye if I ever heard John on the phone with Mike enthusiastically saying, “Ayo B. Remember that Crooks & Castles cardigan you rocked on your date with Sheila? Shit was mad fly yo, can I borrow it tonight?”

Shop in the kids dept: One of the awesome benefits of being petite is the ability to fit children’s clothing. Growing up, it wasn’t uncommon to see me rocking a Mecca or Ecko shirt from the little boys section of Macy’s. And because I haven’t grown since high school, you can still find me in kids clothing. My Warriors jersey, my cheetah print onesie, my Jordans, and every single article of Giants gear I own are all kids sizes, and more importantly – kids PRICES. And who doesn’t want to get the same exact pair of Space Jams for almost $100 off the original price? If it means announcing to the world (or at least the cashier) that you are a grown ass man whose shirts can fit me perfectly, a MAN doesn’t. Granted, you can’t help the way you were born and some men don’t give a fuck (they shouldn’t anyway) but ask any guy that’s 5’10” if he rather be 5’4″ just so he can shop for less and I guarantee he rather pay full price.

Watch romantic comedies/R&B concerts: I watched Friends With Benefits the week after it came out, and just my luck sat in front of the token homophobic male who made unnecessarily loud comments everytime Justin Timberlake’s bare bottom graced the screen. Aye bro. It’s ok, I know you’re not gay. You like fucking bitches. And the only reason why you’re even watching this movie is because of Mila Kunis’s fine ass, and the fact that you came with three other people which probably includes a chick you’re trying to get it in with. I get it, so you don’t need to yell out, “Not cool bluh” whenever Woody Harrelson’s gay character makes a hysterical but homosexual remark. Don’t worry, if Prince is your absolute favorite artist, calling up the homies you met in the penn to go watch him live doesn’t make you gay. Showing up an hour early, with home made signs written in glitter, and rhinestone studded tour baby-tees does.

Be a cougar: And older man dating a younger woman is common, and even considered “normal” by some. It’s definitely nothing new compared to this cougar phenomena that many women (and cougar cubs) not only embrace, but boast about. They even have shows like Cougartown and sell tank tops that say “America’s Next Top Cougar” to support the cause. Even though it’s situational, and a male cougar (or silver fox) can be considered a pimp by his peers, to everyone else he’s just a creepy old guy. And if a man over the age of 30 wore a shirt that said, “I like ’em newly legal” all I would read is, “Pedophile.”

Wear makeup: I love makeup. I may be too lazy to wear it monday through friday but I love it and am constantly in awe of the magical powers it possesses. Slap on some eyeliner and a ‘lil foundation and *sigh* I swear I’m a completely different woman. Me and my girl Nic were talking about the wonders of concealer one day. How practically no blemish is too powerful for it. Then, she proceeded to recap a time when she had a huge zit on her chin, dabbed some concealer on it, and her boyfriend thought she was a sorceress (God bless his soul). I know tons of men who are self-conscious about zits, just not self-conscious enough to go to their nearest MAC counter to ask if they’re an NC41 or NC43. For the record, if you’re one of my guy friends I rather you stay home or slap on some concealer than go on a first date with a hot ass chick with an equally hot ass zit on the tip of your nose. I’ll even help you apply it so that she can’t even notice. I’ll be an asshole and tell you you’re the same shade as RuPaul, but I’ll still help you out.

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