The older I get, the more I find myself greeting more friends than family on Mother’s Day. Some of my friends kids are the same age as when we first met, and that just weirds the shit out of me, because I remember WTF we were doing at 14 … homework, and softball of course.
At my age now, my mom was toting around a pretty little, grown ass 11-year old (hah)! I couldn’t even imagine. Where the fuck would I store mine during Governor’s Ball if I had one? I’d have issues taking care of a dog at this point in my life, what more another human being? I still get the heebie-jeebies when I touch a pregnant friends belly while their unborn baby is having a kicking frenzy!
Don’t get me wrong. Trick love the kids. Looooooove the kids. Then I see how they throw up on my friends, look down at my new Giants jersey, think OH HELL NO, and know I’m not ready. Apparently, none of my MILFy friends were either but they all have beautiful, smart children that show they must’ve did something right.
I’m not giving my friends props for being good mothers. You don’t get cookie and gold star for doing something you should be doing regardless. But I am commending you for ALSO being amazing friends, hard workers, and loving wives/girlfriends. I don’t know how you fucking do it with work, happy hours, family parties, pre-school, booty-calls, etc., but you do. So to all the mothers out there whose kids are too young to recognize the sacrifices you make for them, or have sperm donors instead of fathers to your children – if don’t nobody else tell you, I’m telling you now: HAPPY (early) MOTHER’S DAY BITCHES. You are the shit, and you are appreciated.
BTW. If you’re missing from this collage, please don’t get butt-hurt. It’s only because I couldn’t find pics of you with all your kids (probably because you’re too busy taking them), an then I just got lazy all together.