I pride myself in having an active imagination. I credit this partly to being an only child, but I also believe it’s an innate characteristic of mine. People say I’m great with kids, but I think it’s because I act like one myself. Often times, I wonder who’s baby-sitting who. As an adult, I’m just as fascinated with kid toys and never step in the “hot lava”.
Alone, a vivid imagination as an adult can be a blessing. It’s Steve Jobs, Stan Lee, Elon Musk, and Jim Henson. It can also be found in CEOs and generals and politicians who think outside of the box. But an imagination combined with anxiety is debilitating, exhausting and depressing. It plays tricks on you, has you questioning everything, and keeps you up at night writing blogs when you have work in a few hours.
A popular thing my – let’s call it “anxination” likes to do to me is prevent me from feeling happy. I could have everything going for me, and then BAM my anxination will slide in my dms like an asshole ex-boyfriend that caught wind you’re moving on. Like damn anxination, CAN I FUCKING LIVE? No. Of course not. The more content I seem to feel, the stronger the anxination gets.
While my life isn’t perfect, it’s going better than it has been in a long time. I have a job I’m grateful for, an amazing boyfriend, supportive family, and beautiful home. Life is dare I say it, great. Yet, my anxination barely let me type out those words for fear I might jinx it. I’m convinced that any second now, it will all come crashing down for no reason. Because of this, I’m not able to enjoy the blessings that I have. Because of this, I live in constant fear that something terrible is bound to happen.
I think this despite knowing that I built this life. It wasn’t handed to me, it wasn’t from wishing upon a star. If only I could convince myself that I don’t have these things because I’m lucky – I have all these things because I worked hard for it. It’s the result of deliberate actions I took and decisions I made, battles I fought and tears I’ve wiped. It’s a shame that even though these are facts, I still have to make myself believe it. But if I believe it, then I should also believe that as long as I continue to work hard/smart for this life, I’ll be able to keep it. That it won’t just be taken away from me, simply because I’m not allowed to have a good life or the world is against me.
The thing is, it could all be gone in a blink of an eye. Nothing is ever guaranteed. Not because the universe is against, but because nothing stops for no one and shit. just. happens. So why not enjoy it while you have it? God forbid you enjoy it for the rest of your life.