I miss you. Obviously.
I miss you when I see your friends, and when your brother posts a picture on social media. You two have the same mouth, it’s crazy. I miss you whenever I wear your 49ers shirt. Or white Giants jacket. Or knit sweater. It no longer smells like you and it drives me crazy. I miss you when I hear island music, and especially when I see anything related to Allen Iverson. I remember when you would text me pictures of AI and Eligh – you so crazy.
I think about you sometimes. Not all the time, but when I do I think about you a lot. I anchor my feet in our memories, so as to not waver when the sadness washes over me. I think about you when I run. When I watch sports. When I dance. Of course when I’m at the cemetery. I think of you when I see a cute guy and can’t muster up the courage to smile at him. And most of all when I’m sad. You’re one of the few people who never made me feel like I couldn’t reach out to you despite how often I did.
But most of all, I think about you when I’m doing absolutely nothing at all. And the closer it gets to July 21st, the more the nothing feels real. I miss you. As expected. But what surprises me is I miss you now more than ever before. More than on your first wedding anniversary. More than on my first birthday without you, and more than your first birthday without you. Time may heal wounds, but it does not fill up the nothingness inside.
As far as I’m concerned, nothing will ever fill the void you left behind. Because no matter how many new friends I make, how many laughs I have, or overly sweaty people I meet – none of them will ever be YOU.
I miss you mare. I used to be afraid that I’d never stop missing you. Then, I was even more scared to forget about you. Now, I just hope you miss me too.