I usually don’t blog during the weekends but because I’ve been on vacation and slacking this past week, here you go!
When me and my first love broke up, I didn’t know how to be alone. I was so used to having someone pick me up from school, drop me off at work, pack me lunch, and just simply BE THERE that I was a fish out of water when the “break” turned into an actual “break up”. Shit, I remember sometimes I’d get out of class, automatically call him, and then mid-ring remember we weren’t together anymore and hang up.
For the next few years after that I was in a few relationships where I was saw one person exclusively but never had an actual boyfriend. And I liked it that way. I was able to remain independent and do my own thang but technically not have to report/reply/check in/or owe anything to anybody. Kinda fucked up, I know but hey it went both ways at least. This went on for so long that when I finally did get a boyfriend, I didn’t know how to be in a relationship.
I never cheated. Not even close. But it wasn’t the things I was actually doing that I shouldn’t have been doing that I was guilty for, it was not doing the things I should’ve been doing that I think ultimately tore us apart. I was too headstrong. And at times inconsiderate and ungrateful. But I felt suffocated and longed for solidarity. Things as simple as reading a book on my own bed in my own room by myself for an entire hour became a luxury to me. I just wanted space.
And that’s exactly what I got. Lots of it. And now that I have it? I don’t know what to do with it. I’m not talking about being alone. I’ve mastered that part already. I have plenty of things and people and hobbies and interest that keep me occupied. I know how to keep busy, but I don’t know how to be SINGLE. As in I don’t know how to take advantage of being a young (yes i’m still calling myself that lol), attractive, fun/ny, and smart woman in the dating scene.
Dating fucking scares me. I can’t even grasp the concept of what that is. Are the rules still the same? What are the fucking rules anyway? Can I “date” more than one person at a time? What if I catch feelings? When is it ok to have “the talk” with them? When it is ok to have sex with them? Does that mean it’s ok to see other people? Am I supposed to call them everyday? If they don’t hit me up everyday does that mean they’re no longer interested? FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK.
And then I stop to think about it. And realize what the ultimate problem is – I don’t know to stop, calm the fuck down, take a deep breath, put my bulletproof vest on, and JUST BE.