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Hurtin For A Squirtin

One day a fafillion years ago I was watching porn (surprise, surprise!). It was a threesome with two chicks and one guy. They were all on the couch and one girl was reverse cowgirling the dude, while the other chick was doing the usual cheer-leading while masturbating combo. Then holy-fucking-shit it was as if the Hoover Damn exploded! I was waiting for crew members to start slip and sliding on set. Instead, filming proceeded as if nothing happened, and I just sat there with the most confused look on my face wondering what the flying 747 just happened. Apparently, the bitch “squirted.”

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, squirting is technically known as female ejaculation … on steroids. It’s most commonly distinguished by a discharge so forceful it can sometimes be mistaken for urinating. Sexy ain’t it?

Well fast forward to 2010, and there I am in bed having a conversation with the man I’m seeing (and boinking) about the very subject of squirting.

“Do you do that?” “Um, no. Why?” “Man, I think that’s hella sexy.” “WTF are you serious?” *makes grossed out face he can’t see in the dark* “I dunno … it just hella turns me on.” “WOW.”

What I found even more surprising was a lot of men feel this way. Not just porn stars, or freaks of nature either. I asked three of my homies the following day and they all said it turned them on. One was so bold to even say, “Hell yeah she can squirt on my face if she wants!” Damn, tell ’em how you really feel.

As for myself? I still cringe when I see it in porn. I cringed halfway through writing this post. It just seems … so … icky. See, look at that. I’m so perturbed by squirting, it makes me use kindergartner vocabulary. Alas, we are not five. We are adults, and as ungodly as the act of squirting may seem – it’s natural and it happens. But if it hasn’t happened to you yet, and you haven’t x’d out this screen in disgust, C.P. has provided the following tips to get those juices flowing – and if you’re lucky (or unlucky) squirting!

  1. Ladies – “Relax, and don’t fight the urge to think you’ll piss. Work those kegels.”

  2. Fellas – “Be gentle. Use a “come hither” motion with the fingers. Feel the glands build and massage until release. Encourage her afterwards so she doesn’t feel embarrassed.”

And the most important tip of all: DO NOT practice this technique on an expensive piece of furniture or your grandmas bed. Shit gets MESSY. So have a mop or lots of towels on hand. Matter fact, do it inside an inflatable pool just to be safe.

OF COURSE I had to use the pic with a rainbow in it, come on now!

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