I am A LOT. When I’m my “usual” self, I’m a lot of awkward. A lot of fun. A lot of weird. A lot of laughs. And a lot of crazy (the good kind). I believe that I am a good person based on the good people around me. I think I’m amazing, because amazing people actually call me their friend. Therefore, I really try my best to keep them happy and in my life.
I’ve never had much money, and I’ve always wanted to be able to have a fancy dinner with my girls and just throw down my debit card at the end and say, “Domino muthafucka I got this”. Since I can’t do that, I just tell them that I love them. I let them know they’re appreciated. I text them stupid things throughout the day that I know will make them smile. I give them hugs, go to their houses and do nothing with them on the couch. And I make them laugh until they can’t breathe. Yes, I repay friendship with death.
When I’m NOT my “usual” self I am also a lot. A lot of self-loathing. A lot of negativity. A lot of anxiety. Yet, I’d still like to think that my good qualities overshadow the bad. And that since I’m a bundle of joy 80% of the time, people are more than willing to accept the 20% of me that can be overbearing. So when a good friend of mine abandoned me during one of these 20% moments, it really broke my heart.
He didn’t understand the way I mourned, and he didn’t need to. He just needed to be there for me. Instead, he made it seem as if my feelings weren’t worthy. As if they weren’t real. Everyone deals with sadness differently. When Gail died, it took me almost an entire month to finally CRY. Yet, I cried during the 2010 World Series Parade. If you to tell me I didn’t care for Gail or that her death didn’t affect me, I would punch you square in the fucking face. Do not judge a person by the way they mourn. Well, unless that person is Casey Anthony.
Trust, I know how it is to have a difficult friend that is three much. It’s exhausting, and sometimes you’re left with no choice but to love them from afar. Don’t give up on us. Just try to remember how much joy we’ve brought to your life despite these trying times. We’ll eventually snap out of it and return back to the light, but we will never, ever forget how you were or weren’t there for us during the darkest moments in our lives.