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Get Your GroupOn.

A friend of mine sent me this YouTube clip of the ever so beautiful Chandler Parsons on Chelsea Lately. It was in this moment that I decided to reach into the deepest depths of my inner ho, and be a Chandler Parsons groupie. Seeing as I don’t know how to speak to handsome members of the opposite sex – what more flirt with them, I knew this would be my biggest feat yet. Thus, I employed the help of a professional and texted my friend:

“How does one go about banging Chandler Parsons? Teach me your ways”.

She responded by telling me that she hated me. Then, proceeded to call me and give me tips. I know she’s reading this right now wanting to strangle and hug me at the same time, so hey boo. Now here’s what she had to say, you’re welcome.

  1. They’re just ordinary people. Regardless of how any touchdowns they’ve made, how many interviews they’ve done, or how many digits are in their bank account, my girl made it clear that a man who makes 6-figures a year, spends the weekends with A-list celebrities and is on magazine covers is still JUST a man. Having said that …

  2. They ain’t shit, so treat them accordingly. When my friend is around a celebrity or athlete or person of interest, she either pays them no attention or makes some snide, bitchy remark. This usually piques their interest and results in them approaching her. Ultimately though, you just gotta …

  3. Be you boo-boo. She obviously forgot who she was talking to when she said this. Although this approach is working great for her, this might be the worst advice she’s ever given me. She basically told me to hide under a table and cry if I ever ran into Chandler Parsons.

Alas, being yourself seems to be the answer to everything. Honestly, I could’t be anyone else even if I tried – and I’ve tried. So Chandler Parsons if you’re reading this, and ever want to watch a baseball game in the bleachers. Or drink obscene amounts of beer while playing miniature golf. Or watch an entire season of GOT in one day. Or make jingles out of any and everything you read. Or play chess – drunk. Or do random “white people shit,” HOLLA. If not, it’s all good. You ain’t shit anyway. 

BTW, I hope you know this was all written in fun. I swore off ballers a long time ago, and Chandler Parsons is way too young for me. Besides, he’s dating Kendall Jenner and there ain’t no way I could compete with all 5’10” of that.

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