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It was a loooong weekend, although not long enough if you know what I mean. I currently have a record of 5 unfinished posts that I am just too un-funny, un-witty, and un-smart to complete this morning but I did have a few things I’ve been wanting to get off my chest. Ever since writing this, I was reminded of a few other cliche concepts that need to get sonned ASAP:

1) You are not allowed to get mad at someone for snooping through your shit unless you are innocent. How the fuck you gonna get mad at your girlfriend for checking your iPhone and finding sext messages you sent your ex then try to pull the invasion of privacy card? It’s like walking in on your wife having sex with her boss and her getting pissed at you because you didn’t knock first. And honestly, if you were that sloppy ’bout your shit, you deserved to get caught anyway.

Exception to the rule: If you’re doing dirty but clean up after your mess and your significant other comes up empty handed, lucky you! But don’t give them too much shit for “not trusting you,” it doesn’t make you off the hook, it just makes you a smooth criminal. Furthermore, the rule no longer applies to you if after the 2nd time you get caught they still take you back. In that case, they probably deserve to get cheated on as much as you deserve to get slapped.

2) You are not allowed to blame Facebook for the demise of your relationship (or the internet in general for that matter). Like my boy Nick said, “Facebook doesn’t ruin relationships. PEOPLE RUIN RELATIONSHIPS.” Social networking websites are not insecure or jealous. They are not flirts or cheaters. They don’t post seductive pictures and leave incriminating comments on them. When will yall ever learn? If you’re partner is so crazy that they misinterpret every single “like” on your wall, then leave them or delete your Facebook. It’s as simple as that.

3) You are no longer allowed to tell ME (at the very least) to “Stop looking for love,” as if I’m on the corner behind a bush with a bear trap and binoculars waiting for my future husband to come along. Stop looking at the greater good in people? OK. Stop falling in love with the potential of a man? Mos def. But I can’t stop doing what I never did to begin with. And unfortunately, we don’t get to choose who we catch feelings for. What’s most annoying is usually the people that tell us to stop looking for love, are the sames ones telling us, “You’ll never know until you try. Open your eyes, and your heart. Stop building walls,” etc. etc. Well damn, wtf do you want me to do, have a nervous breakdown?

OK, rant over. Feel free to add to the list!

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