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  • dearabi

Behind the Screens.

Some people think I’m bold for the things I say. I know bolder. Some people think I’m brave for putting myself out there. I know braver. Some people find me intimidating. I sometimes have an inferiority complex. My people? They know I’m just being ME.

But they also know that as loud as I am, I’m also shy. As outgoing as I am, I’m also awkward (so, so awkward). As nonchalant as I am, I also care too much. The people I am closest to, know the woman behind the blog. And even then, they still don’t know all of me. Even I don’t know all of me. So when random people think they got me locked simply by looking at my “hump day” posts, I find it entertaining to say the least. The truth is, this blog is me. It’s my voice and opinions, and experiences. But while a single post may depict who I am right at the very second I write it, that post does not define who I am.

While perusing my Tumblr timeline I caught a video of Ruby Verdiano performing spoken word. In it she was loud, confident, and enunciated every word. Yet at the end of her piece she mentioned being shy, which I of course responded with a, “Bitch, you just recited a five minute long piece in front of an auditorium of people GTFOH!” But then I understood that the stage was her blog.

I hate to make a pop-culture reference to prove a point. But anyone whose seen Whitney Houston’s funeral service has to have remembered the moving speech Kevin Costner presented. He talked about Whitney’s insecurities while auditioning for The Bodyguard. Whitney FUCKING Houston, the same woman that belted a flawless Star Spangled Banner live, in front of hundreds of thousands effortlessly? Unsure of herself? Imagine that.

People like to think they know you … especially those who don’t … especially on the internet. And I get it. I’m guilty of it too sometimes. But what people fail to remember is no matter how vulnerable or confident a post may seem, the person at the keyboard still controls what gets published. I could be writing about dandelions and cotton candy, but for all you know I could be mourning the death of my goldfish. I definitely divulge a lot of things others don’t. If anything, I think the brashness in my writing attracts negativity more than it inspires confidence. But if I stopped writing what I write and the way I write it, then it just wouldn’t be me. Whatever facet of my personality that may be.

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