I like sex. A lot. It’s kind of become a personal problem. I mean not in comparison to those who are certifiably diagnosed as sex addicts, and nowhere near some Eric Benet shit. But enough to be able to recognize a pattern in my actions. Just the other day my girl told me I needed to get spayed.
When it comes to sex, I tend to think like a man.
If the club’s about to get out and I’m two shots past horny you best believe I’m headed over afterwards. Once I get there I’d prefer we didn’t talk beforehand, just answer the door with a smile on your face and your dick in your hand. If you’re smart, you’ll strategize so that you make me come just moments before you do. Because once I’m done I’ll want to roll over and fall asleep, and when I do I won’t want to cuddle for at least the first 15 minutes. You know what? Just don’t touch me. Since you’re physically incapable of waking up before noon, and I got brunch with the girls (where yes, I will talk all about the dickin’ I just received) I won’t wake you – you’re welcome.
It all sounds so awesome right? So simple, and convenient? Except, when it comes to sex I feel like a girl.
I’ll get home after brunch buzzed off mimosas, and since we all know alcohol gives us feelings I’ll start to FEEL. I’ll feel my ego start to bruise, and my pride start to waver. I’ll feel lonely. I’ll feel like I sold myself short, like I deserve more. I’ll feel regretful even though it’s exactly what I wanted at the time. I’ll feel used, even though I used him too. I’ll feel stupid. I’ll feel the need to write an entire blog on how my hormones and my brain rarely ever agree with each other.
Think like a man, but feel like a girl? So you mean to tell me that one minute I’m asking dude to pull my hair … then asking him to respect my decision not to see him anymore the next … then sexting him … then not picking up when he calls back … ?! If my girl is a man trapped in a woman’s body because she doesn’t like to cuddle and is scared of commitment, does that make me a hemaphrodite because I can’t make up my mind?!
That’s some fucked up ass shit that I didn’t sign up for. It’s oxymoronic, not too mention for lack of better words – retarded. If men think with the wrong head, my past has proven that I’ve had a tendency to talk with the wrong … let’s exclude the visual, but you get it. UGH, I want a refund.
I guess if you’re gonna go ahead and think like a man, you should think like THE man. A real man. Maybe then, you’ll feel like more than just “some girl” on the roster. I know the book says to Think like A Man, Act Like A Lady, but you can’t control the way you feel. However you think or feel, it’s most important they’re in sync with each other. I’m sure it’s a lot healthier for you. So I guess I’ll start to think like a BOSS instead. Think like a boss, feel like a boss. Yeah, that’s better.
Or maybe I’ll just go get spayed.