I am now on Day 26 of sheltering in place. My household started a week before it became official, and the cabin fever has finally settled in. On Monday I had the realization that while “This too shall pass”, it’s in no rush to. Still, every time someone asks how I’m doing, I tell them I’m “Good”. Sometimes I tell them I’m “Chillen,” but all of the time I tell them I’m grateful.
I feel so much gratitude that I almost feel guilty about it. I feel even more guilty when I secretly judge those who choose grief over gratitude. I really need to work on my empathy, I used to be the person I now judge and am very well aware that everyone deals differently.
The truth is, I’m not good. But I’m also not, not good. So when someone asks, I choose to say the former, because it’s the easier answer. I say I’m good and that’s the end of the conversation. Any other answer has the potential to turn polite small talk into a pity party you do not want to attend and one I’m not sure I want to throw. Me not, not feeling good also has nothing to do with the pandemic. It has everything not to do with it.
It has to do with the hassle of moving. It has to do with anxiety ridden insomnia. It has to do with the depression that immediately follows a really bad night of anxiety ridden insomnia. It has to do with feeling unsupported. It has to do with my fertility doctor “highly recommending” I have a baby sooner than later (sooner as in now). It has to do with the unknown, and it has to do with feeling unfulfilled amongst other things.
It sounds like a lot when I put it all in one paragraph like that, but everyone is dealing with a lot right now. Dealing with all of those things separately is enough to make any person be not good. Throw in a pandemic, and it can make someone feel awful. But I don’t feel awful either. I know you’re not supposed to say this, but I feel just fine. And today, fine is good with me.
Your prompt for today: Put yourself in a moment where you were not fine. Maybe you were terrible, and maybe you were TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. Put yourself back in that moment when you lied. Why did you do it? Whose feelings were you trying to save? Write what you wish you would have said, and imagine where that honest conversation could have led you.