I love weddings. It’s like prom for grown-ups. It’s a celebration of love and a good reason to get dolled up over free food, open bar, and the electric slide. What’s not to like?
Last Sunday I celebrated the nuptials of Mr. and Mrs. Huynh. If you saw my previous Weekend Recap post, you’ll know the party started early in the Bridges Country Club parking lot with a bottle of Priv and apple juice. It was like college all over again. Oh yes, we keeps it classy. Needless to say, everyone had a blast. I knew it was a fun night because my inner Mallory came out and I did my white girl dance which consists of me jumping up and down with my fist in the air.
Then, the DJ played T-Pain’s Booty Wurk and it was like high school all over again. The heels came off, sandals came on, and my inner Shaquandra came out. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any more throwback someone takes this picture and *poof* it was “My Ghetto Sweet 16.”
The funny thing is every girl has one of these pictures. If you’re me you have five. It’s ok, I won’t tell anyone. You can shake your pretty little head in denial all you want, but we all know inebriated or not it’s hard not to Jersey Turnpike once the bassline of Juvie’s Back That Ass Up drops. Long as the fun isn’t hurting anybody – GET. IT. GIRRRRRRL. You’re a lady that works hard, and handles her business. You deserve a hoodrat pass. Here – you’re welcome.
Just remember that while walls don’t talk – cell phone cameras do. So if you know it’s going to be one of those nights and plan to run for mayor or PTA president in the future, take precautions and do the following:
Make sure your underwear doesn’t have “sideburns.”
Tuck in your fucking tampon string for crying out loud!
You know what? Just wear pants please.
Stray away from halter tops and tube tops or plan to have your titty all over the internet the next morning.
Wear deodorant and avoid materials like silk and colors like light grey. Sweat can be sexy. Sweaty pit stains can’t.
Lastly, when all else fails make sure you are not alone. Be with people you know and trust. Your girls, your homeboys, your family. People that would never take incriminating photos of you … unless they got to be in the picture too.