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Give Me Something To Believe In.

Me and my mom don’t have the typical relationship to say the least. When we argue, it’s over the most ridiculous shit. Just recalling a recent tiff, which prompted me to not talk to her for a week makes me feel like we’re sisters rather than mother and daughter. However, our last “disagreement” was a little different. In fact, it was the first time we ever had a serious discussion about religion.

Growing up I was raised Catholic. My grandfather would force me to go to church, and my great-grandmother made sure I memorized The Lord’s Prayer at a young age (thanks for that btw). However, it was never something that was instilled in me. I never thought it would be an issue until my mom got into a conversation about it the other day. I don’t know how it was brought up, but she basically said “You don’t have any faith. Everyone needs something to believe in”. In other words, I was condemned to hell.

I will admit that my relationship with God, whoever S/He (for the argument’s sake let’s just say “Him”) might be is conditional. Ultimately, I question his existence. Yet, I still thank Him when something goes right and blame Him when something goes wrong. Obviously, that’s not how it works. It’s just hard for me to believe God’s plans as they unfold, that there is a meaningful purpose for everything that happens in life. For me, somethings are unjustifiable. If that makes me a heathen, then so be it.

I guess the reason my mom upset me, was because I felt that she rather have me attend church and fake my beliefs than not have any at all. But if something is only as real as you believe it is, then what’s the point? As an alternative int he past, I’ve attempted to delve into other forms of religion. At one point, I considered Buddhism. I figured I was more of a spiritual person. Still, I’m a little weary of karma and rebirth.

I don’t know what kind of sign I’m waiting/looking for. And I don’t know where I stand in regards to religion and spirituality. But my mom is right. We all need something or someone to believe in. So until I figure it out, I’ll believe that for every action there is a reaction. I’ll believe that my friends will never let me fall. And I believe that if I succeed in something, more so than it being by luck or the grace of God, it’s because I deserved it.

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