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Lions, and Tigers, and LOVE – TBT 09.14.11

They say the first cut is the deepest. That after being let down so many times it doesn’t hurt as much.

I want to know what fucking pain medication you’re on, or magical band-aides you’ve been using. For me, a heartbreak is a heartbreak is a heartbreak. Maybe you’ll heal faster, and maybe you’ll be able to hide the agony this time, but it still hurts nevertheless.

So of course I’m scared to fall in love again. 

I’m scared to once again make someone a priority when I am only their option. I’m scared of once again allowing myself to think I wasn’t good enough. That is was my fault. That if I had done something different, I could’ve actually changed things. I’m scared to once again lose my head to my heart, and my heart to the D. And I could worry myself into an anxiety attack right now thinking of the possibility of having to experience another night staring at my cell phone wondering why my dude (who could potentially be someone else’s dude) isn’t calling me – what more isn’t next to me – or even worse next to someone else.

“I’m not afraid to try again. I’m just scared of getting hurt for the same reason.”~Unknown

Because getting hurt – whether by a friend, family member, or significant other is inevitable. Almost anyone can hurt you. Even the dumb asses, and the idiots you don’t even love can hurt you if you let them. But it takes a fucking unicorn to lift you so high you’re not afraid to free fall. And the thought of never meeting another man that can keep me on my toes without stepping on them is a very, scary thought.

So I’m even more afraid that I will never send silly text messages of random things that only me and him would understand ever again. I’m afraid that I’ll never have another reason to tear my walls down. I’m afraid that I’ll never draw my name plus another with a heart around it again. I’m scared that my girls will never again make fun of me for leaving the room to use the phone while twirling my hair with a cheesy smile on my face. I’m afraid that the “glitter and the gay” will fade into an Urban Legend. And I know I’ll make out with someone again, but I’m so afraid that I will never kiss another man and feel fireworks only my heart can hear and soul can see.

The only thing scarier than falling in love again, is NOT falling in love again.

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