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  • dearabi

Lies You Tell Yourself.

I don't know who needs to hear this - actually, I do. YOU DO. Person who just unwillingly, begrudgingly heartbreakingly ended a relationship. JUST STOP. Don't do it, just don't! "Stop what?" you may be asking. As if you didn't know ...

Stop staying connected. Live together? Move out. Have a joint bank account? Close it. On each other's Netflix/Uber Eats/Costco accounts? If you don't quit being petty and get your fucking own ... Co-parent a dog? Take it, leave it, or work out a co-parenting schedule. Parents with human kids can do it, so can you. Tie up all of those loose ends and get on with it. You are not conjoined twins, you do not need the other person to survive, and you definitely don't need their Amazon account. Fork up the $10 a month, the peace of mind is priceless.

Stop seeking closure from them. If you MUST, get it once and get it early on. If you have anything else to say, any other questions or come backs, save yourself the heartache and quit while you're ahead (or behind). There is nothing new you can say about old shit, that will change things. I know all about the insanity that comes with creating a plethora of scenarios in your head, but you may never get the closure you want. Just the closure you need, and most of the time it comes from yourself.

Stop being friends with your ex. Why would you want to be friends with an ex? This is not the time to take what you can get. You want closure? You can start by not talking to your ex every day like you're homies, because you're not. This doesn't mean you have to hate each other, or be uncivil. It means being an adult and accepting that you no longer have a dynamic that warrants going out to dinner, venting about your day, or doing each other favors. It's not impossible to be friends with your ex, but very rarely does it work out right away esp if there are still feelings involved.

Stop keeping in touch with his friends and family. I know his mom was more of your mom than your own mom during the relationship. I know you got so close to her friends that you'd hang out without him. But unless you met them first, they are still his/her friends. And if they're truly your friend and love you and want to see you happy, they'll understand if you distance yourself until you are healed. It's not being mean, it's having boundaries.

Most of all ...

Stop lying to yourself. What sets us back the most when we do these things, is we make up excuses as to why we do them. We use the guise of shared accounts, closure, connections, or the ever so popular, "It's complicated" to defend our actions instead of simply admitting that ... we miss them. We still want to be with them. We hope that by maintaining a connection, they'll come back around. We hope that one second, final conversation will change their mind.

Obviously, you don't have to do any of these things. However, it would greatly benefit you if you want to get over someone. And that's the biggest lie of all. You can't tell yourself you want to let go yet keep reaching out. You can't be friends with someone you want to be more than just friends with. And you can't say you want closure, when you have one foot in the door keeping the lines of communication open.

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