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Leggo My Ego – TBT 02.24.12

I have this problem. Or rather, a bad habit since it’s occurred one too many times. See, I have this tendency to want people to LIKE me, even if I don’t like them myself. This is most apparent in relationships I have with men. I always think that if they only knew me, they would like me. Thing is, if a man wants to get to know you, he will get to know you. This man didn’t care to get to know me.

So I watched him. I watched him take out other girls. To dinner. To museums. To the movies. To concerts. To anywhere except for his bedroom, and I wondered. What does she say? What does she do? What is it about her that made her be “important” enough?

Is she into science? Physics? Do they talk about politics in between bites of garlic noodles? Is her knowledge of bio-chemics what turns him on? Does she need no explanation when he rambles on. and on. and on about Linux? Does she make him laugh? I don’t get it. I’m intrigued by that stuff too! I’m smart too! I graduated with honors! I was on the deans list! I was a keynote speaker at my college graduation! What gives?! WHY DOESN’T HE EVEN WANT TO SEE IF HE LIKES ME? Of course I know the real reason why, but this is my ego talking.

And then I’ll remember that I don’t actually “like” him either. Not to say that I never could. I just don’t know him well enough to. And that’s the difference between us two, I would actually be interested in getting to know past the seams of his pillow cases, and thread of his sheets.

I never thought I had en ego. Ever. Until maybe this year. I suppose it’s a blessing and a curse. Afterall, it’s what kept me from answering the phone a few times. It’s what kept me from drunk texting. It’s what kept me from calling my friends in the morning to come pick me up after a night of … fun. But my ego is even more stubborn than my heart. It always feels the need to prove itself. To prove that I’m smart enough, witty enough, cultured enough, funny enough. – just ENOUGH. It always needs to be LIKED … even if I don’t like the person who likes it.

Like I said here, “Stressing over someone your ego cares more about than your heart isn’t worth it.” It’s so silly, and shallow, and petty, so just quit while you’re ahead. Better a bruised ego, than a broken heart.

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