RoseElephant copy.jpg
  • dearabi

I Still Choose You.

I unpack all my boxes. I have dinner with friends. I borrow three forks. And a box cutter. And a wine opener. I put new sheets on my bed. I don’t cry. My mom comes over to keep me company for a few days. You drop off the rest of my stuff and I let Apt 6 get it from you. I can’t put myself through another sad good-bye. I cry. My mom leaves a day earlier than she planned to. I don’t cry. Instead, I clean the floor twice. I put together a dresser. And a shoe rack.


I have a picnic with a friend. I don’t miss a single meeting at work. I meditate every morning and practice yoga immediately after. I recite positive affirmations before child’s pose, attempt bridge at least twice every day, and never forget to practice gratitude before I go to bed every night. I lose weight. I work out and even use the dumbbells you got me.


I go on a girls trip. We sing in the car the entire way there. I hop in the pool the second we unpack. I love it here. I make chimmichuri sauce with pool water dripping from my bikini. I drink more that night than the entire five months of quarantine combined. We dance a lot, but I don’t cry. I don’t drunk text you. I go to sleep. And wake up with a small headache in the morning. But I still go outside and do yoga. Again, I don’t miss any work meetings. I talk to my therapist, I cry. I talk to my life coach, I cry some more. I cry during a good sound bowl session. That is the last time I cry during that trip.


I’m back. I’m tan. I feel better, but the world is getting worse. I buy cookies. Lots of them. I buy beer that I don’t drink. I cook dinner. I wash the dishes as soon as I’m done using them, and put as much spice in my food as I want. I only have to make up my side of the bed, and I can use detergent with fragrance in it because I can. I cry wondering what you are doing. If you’re thinking about me too. I DM you photos of kissing alpacas and Messi, because I know you don’t check Instagram.

Please don’t check your Instagram. I see the beer we drank while watching the sunset in Kauai and want to text you a photo of it, but I don’t. I cry because I can’t. Then, I hang up artwork on the walls. I listen to music. Read books I’ve been meaning to read. Save money. Spend money. I don’t pry. I’m not petty. I’m doing all of the things I’m supposed to be doing, and don’t hate myself when I’m not. I’m being better, and doing me. I am absolutely whole without you, BUT I STILL CHOOSE YOU. I still choose you. Over and over and over again. I still choose you. And still love you. And still want you. And still need you in my life.

174 views1 comment

Recent Posts

See All

Break Up With Me.

Please, break up with me. Don't take walks with me knowing you'll be walking away soon. Don't hold me in your arms knowing you'll be letting go. Don't take photos you never plan to post. Instead, just

Always, You.

People like to ask me if I miss you or just having someone there. I know they're trying to help, so I don't tell them, "No, I'm not a fucking idiot. I know how this goes, I've been here before. I've l

  • White Facebook Icon
  • White Twitter Icon
  • White Instagram Icon

© 2020 I'll make you feel things.