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Updated: May 12, 2022

The first time I was on Hinge, it was the first year of the pandemic and roughly three months after my boyfriend and I broke up. It was overwhelming and I deleted the app in less than a week. Despite having a plethora of "likes" it made me feel even more lonely. All I did was compare each guy to my ex and wonder if I would ever find someone to love again. I was not ready.

The second time I was on Hinge it was simply boring as fuck. I rarely went on and decided to delete it once again after coming home from New York feeling so convinced that all the tall, handsome, single men with good jobs and witty opening lines resided in the East Coast - or anywhere but San Francisco.

Alas, I hopped back on once more after a "gentle nudge" from my therapist, and vowed to give it honest effort this. Instead, I spent most of my time reporting fake profiles to customer service like the fucking Hinge police. I actually had fun doing it too. Until it seemed as if there were more fake profiles than real ones. But this post isn't about how to spot a fake profile, it's about how to create a good profile. Rather, how not to create a bad one. I've had a few of my male friends ask what I've thought about their profiles, and while I can't tell you what to do I will tell you what not to do.

Don't wear sunglasses in all your photos, or I'm going to think you're cross-eyed or just flat out ugly.

Don't post all group photos. I mean, WHICH FUCKING ONE ARE YOU? Fuck around and have me asking about your friend instead.

Don't lie about your height (Unless you are absolutely, positively sure you can make up for those extra inches in other ways. Rounding up the nearest whole inch is fine.)

Don't be overly sarcastic or pessimistic. It's funny until it isn't. I like to hate things too, but you have to be eloquent about this shit. Otherwise, it's just going to sound like you're bitter. No wonder you're single bro!

Don't use the same angle in each photo. We all have our good angles, but when these angles look like a completely different person in real life, then we have a problem.

Don't use more than one photo of an inanimate object. I'd actually prefer you don't use any, but I'll give you the artistic benefit of the doubt. Personally, it's a waste of space and I'm going to think you lightweight lack common sense.

Don't use a photoshopped photo of you as a centaur. *Cardi B voice* WHAT IS THE REASON??!!

Don't say you're looking for love after lockdown. I can't make this shit up. I get we all have a past, but COME ON.

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