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Get Yourself An Asshole – TBT Post 11.09.10

Do yourself a favor. The next time you’re at Target, you know perusing through the aisles and sticking things in your cart that you don’t even need – don’t forget to cop yourself an asshole.

No, for real. I promise you won’t regret it. Plus, there are so many of them to choose from. They’re like fucking Pokemon, gotta catch ’em all, gotta catch ’em all! And, if you’re a nice, hopeless romantic who gives people the benefit of the doubt – you will. From the Filipino ones to the Caucasian ones to the Latin ones. They come in all shapes and sizes, weights and backgrounds. And age ain’t nothing but a number ending in ASSHOLE.

Feel free to be greedy too, because there’s plenty of them to go around. And there’s an asshole for every preference. There’s the “promoters” and “entrepreneurs.” The “rappers” and “athletes.” The “djs” and “personal trainers”. There’s even the “regular Joes” that work for AT&T and the “seeminglynice guys” that chase you down the block because you dropped your wallet. It’s 2010 – they’re everywhere! So pick one. Shit, pick more than one. I did.

Because it takes a few assholes (or in my case a BUNCH) to direct you towards the really good men. Sometimes, it takes being lied to and cheated on to realize that you deserve honesty and love. If you can’t recognize the red flags of an asshole, you’ll never raise the white flag for the good guy and allow him to sweep you off your feet. You gotta cry because it hurts, until there’s only enough left to cry because you’re so fucking happy you just might explode.

I don’t know a single woman happily in love today, that’s never been devastatingly heart broken before. So go get yourself an asshole. Feel stupid and naive and psycho over them, so that you can feel happy, and grateful for the nice guy. No one ever plans on falling in love with an asshole. By the time we realize a mans true colors, it’s too late. But it’s never too late to let a good guy treat you the way a good woman deserves to be treated.

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