I just had the quintessential solo dance party in my living room while breaking down cardboard boxes for recycling. I bought a sound system that makes movies sound like bullets are flying past my ears and it makes me feel like a bachelor. Today though, it's blasting Beyonce's Break My Soul, which I've dubbed the "break-up anthem" of the summer. Bey knew WTF she was doing that's for sure. I'm currently on day 3 of quarantining and while I'm grateful to be asymptomatic, the isolation is killing me. I should be with my family drunk by a pool with lights that change color to the music surrounded by my cousin's that love me and their beautiful children that bring me joy.
Instead, I am home alone watching the struggling sun set through my dirty windows nursing COVID and a broken heart. I am tired of resting (the irony) and even more so - I am tired of learning lessons.
I'm a firm believer that if you act sick, you'll feel sick. So this morning I took a nice, hot shower and blow dried my hair with a round brush. I wore matching loungewear, put on perfume, and cleaned up around the apartment. Then, I danced. Because that's just what I do, and because I wanted to make sure COVID didn't affect my cardio (I'm good btw). Slowly the dance party turned into a pity-party as Beyonce sang:
"We go 'round in circles searching for love / We go up and down lost and found searching for love / Looking for something that lives inside me"
I started to cry and like a dramatic 90s R&B music video dropped to my knees and held my face in my hands. Beyonce was saying nothing new. I wasn't crying because I just discovered that love was inside me all along. I wasn't crying because I was searching for love where I shouldn't have been. I was crying because I know I'm a fucking catch and I'm STILL alone. I was crying because love found me and STILL fucked me over. It's OK to admit you experienced failure. Let's normalize taking an L and moving on.
Since it all happened, I've been told:
"Look how much you've grown!"
"You didn't come this far to only come this far"
"You're so brave and strong"
In addition to a plethora of other positive praises. While they are absolutely true, they don't take the hurt and disappointment away. Once the emotions subside, I'll be able to accept how courageous and gangster I was during all of this. For now, I'd like to just break up, break down, and then break dance. But no souls will be broken. I repeat, not even a little crack. I've broken my own soul enough times, I will never allow another person to do it me ever again.