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823 – TBT Post 08.05.11

Ever since Jey tweeted a line from this Frank Ocean song I’ve had it annoyingly on repeat. My ears and my heart are bleeding. It’s just what cynical hopeless romantics do; Take a happy song, find a depressing angle, then emotionally cut ourselves with it.

“No I don’t like you, I just thought you were cool enough to kick it. Got a beach house I could sell you in Idaho. Since you think I don’t I love you, I just thought you were cute that’s why I kiss you …” 

So nonsensical. So dramatic. So imaginative. So familiar. Because “it’s easier to make excuses than make an effort.” Making an effort involves taking a risk, and taking a risk leaves room for rejection. Sometimes a person’s fear of rejection can temporarily override their fear of permanently being alone.

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. What you’ve been doing. If you’re still with her or found someone new. What you’re doing right this very minute. If you ever fixed your passenger window, and if you still have the same roommate. Most of all, I wonder if you still think about me too.

The crazy part is I’ve also been thinking about you. If you’re ok. If you’re happy. No, I mean really happy. How work is, and your fam. If you ever started that business endeavor you were always so secretive about. What happened to you? What happened to you and her? What happened to US? Most of all, I wonder if you still think about me too.

The sad part is I’ve been thinking of you partly so that I don’t think of him. And I’ve been thinking of him partly because I have no one else to think about. God forbid I meet someone and think of him the way I used to think of you. I don’t want to write this same post about him in three months. But I’ve been thinking about  … what it would be like to think about someone new again.

“Got a fighter jet, I don’t get to fly it though. I’m lying – down, thinking bout you … do you think about me still? Do you, do you? Or do you not think so far ahead, ‘cuz I been thinking ’bout forever …”

Women are infamous for doubting a man’s feelings. Some women are naive. Some women like to test men. Some women just need reassurance. And some women are just tired of building their walls down, only to have to tear them back up. It’s not that we don’t believe you. Sometimes we even want to believe you just as much as we want to catch you lying. We’re just scared, because we’re thinking about you too.

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