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2010 – Throwback Thursday

Remember when u swore u wouldn’t fall again? The day u thought u could run away from ur feelings, and push them aside like they didn’t exist. Promising urself there will be NO dates, and NO text messages, and NO cute AIM conversations. Because he’s too young, or too short, or ur too scared to get hurt again, but u just couldn’t help urself?

Well forget about it ‘cuz THE PAST DOES NOT EXIST.

Remember how u hated Christmas until Santa gave u the most thoughtful, caring, generous, selfless, and adoring gift wrapped in pretty green eyes? And then u thought, “Is this really happening? Why did he pick me?” He was the gift that kept on giving. And u felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

Forget that too, ‘cuz THE PAST DOES NOT EXIST.

Remember when he asked u to be his girlfriend? And even though u wanted him to be ur boyfriend for the past 2 months, u were still so hesitant to answer. But the sun was shining in Waikiki, and everything just felt so right. So u said yes. And the both of u couldn’t stop smiling for the next 15 minutes. Giggling because nobody knew yet.

Forget it, ‘cuz THE PAST DOES NOT EXIST.

Remember the night u saw him cry? He was absolutely beautiful. And u wanted to kiss every tear that ran down his cheek. Tell him something to make him feel better, to make him feel like a man. But instead u kept quiet. When u really wanted to shout on a mountain top ‘cuz that was the night u realized u loved him.

Definitely forget that, ‘cuz THE PAST DOES NOT EXIST.

Remember all the first’s? First time u kissed. First time u let him hold ur hand without flinching. First time u had sex. First time u made love. First time u fucked. First time u got drunk together. First time u went to the movies. The first Valentine’s day. The first picture u put up of u two together. First time u went out to eat and u pretended u were already dressed up from work but u really bought a brand new outfit just to look good for him. First time u slept in his arms at night, and woke up in his nook in the morning. First trip to Hawaii. First trip to Disneyland. First trip to Tahoe. First time u met his family. First time u slept over. First time he slept over. First time u wore his clothes and they were too big for u, but they were just. The right. Fit.

Forget all of that, ‘cuz THE PAST DOES NOT EXIST.

Remember the first fight? And the second? And the third? And the fourth? And the eighth? How it was always the same old bullshit over and over again? How u felt like a prisoner. How unfair he was. How he didn’t trust u? How some nights u were being punished for simply wanting to sleep in ur own bed by urself and read a book, or write a blog. How u couldn’t do anything without him thinking there were ulterior motives behind it. How he thought every single man wanted u, and totally overlooked the fact that it didn’t matter ‘cuz he was the only man u wanted? How u’d both cry. And yell. And throw things. And u’d want to leave in the middle of the night but he wouldn’t let u. How u were being tortured for nothing. How u were guilty till proven innocent. How u were always walking on eggshells. How he wouldn’t let u breathe. How u couldn’t have a life outside of the relationship unless it included him somehow. How pathetic he looked, and how ugly u became.

Forget all of this, ‘cuz THE PAST DOES NOT EXIST.

Remember the day u couldn’t take it anymore? And u broke up. And it was so hard but there was no turning back. And u were a coward and did it through email because it was ur only clean getaway. So u went to his house when he wasn’t home and packed all ur shit and u were scared he’d walk in just as u were emptying ur drawer. And for a split second u thought to urself, “What have I done?” And then u remembered it wasn’t working. He’s never gonna change. It was the right decision. U weren’t happy anymore. U gave him so many chances. U both need to be better people so u can later be better for each other.

Forget that, ‘cuz THE PAST DOES NOT EXIST.

Remember how u broke his heart? And it broke urs too? How u didn’t know what to do for the next few weeks ‘cuz u knew u couldn’t be friends with someone u wanted to be more than just friends with but it just made things too difficult? So u asked ur mom, u asked his mom, u asked ur friends, u asked his friends. But u were still the bad guy. Just because u were honest. U were the bad guy. Just because u were doing the right thing. U were the bad guy. Just because u wanted to do what was best for the both of you.

Fuck all that shit, ‘cuz THE PAST DOES NOT EXIST.

And then remember the day u woke up and missed him? And u became crazy. U checked every single possibility of it being a phase or a reflex from running into him or tinge of jealousy. But it was real, although u wished it wasn’t. Remember being nervous all over again to talk to him? Ignoring his phone calls and not replying to his texts knowing damn well u eventually would. Remember how different he seemed? How he was nothing like the insecure guy he used to be or any of the things u used to hate and u thought YES it can finally work. But u thought wrong, because he wasn’t any of the things u used to love either.

Forget that too, ‘cuz THE PAST DOES NOT EXIST.

Remember when he fucked u and left u? And u never, in a million lifetimes thought he could ever be so mean? Do u remember the noise ur heart made when it shattered on the floor the next morning? The people who had to pick those pieces up for u to make sure u didn’t cut urself with them ‘cuz u had already committed emotional suicide. Remember not getting out of bed for a day. Missing 2 days at work. Crying at the Christmas party. Crying on ur best friends bathroom floor. And u can’t even listen to certain songs or watch certain things or go certain places ‘cuz it reminds u of HIM. Laying perfectly still staring at the ceiling because that way u wouldn’t see anything in ur room related to him. Remember not sleeping for 2 days. Not eating for 4? Forgetting how to laugh because it hurt too much to even smile.

Please, don’t ever bring that up again ‘cuz THE PAST DOES NOT EXIST.

Remember feeling worthless? Feeling embarrassed? Feeling ashamed? Feeling betrayed. Feeling hopeless. Feeling confused. Feeling like an idiot. Feeling hopeful. Feeling ugly. Feeling like u deserved everything and then some. Remember the regret so deep it burned ur soul? Staring at ur cell phone every 5 minutes and jumping every time u heard it go off and then sinking when it wasn’t him. Feeling the anger ‘cuz he strung u along and knew the answer to ur question before u even asked it. Wondering why he couldn’t just be honest? Expecting things to be different because u thought he loved u. Replaying possible “Notebook” endings and happily ever afters in ur head until they made u dizzy. Thinking about the what-ifs? Thinking “how could he?” Thinking, “I will never forgive myself.” Thinking that U NEED TO STOP THINKING.

And u swear he’s DEAD to u.

And u promise u’ll never love again. EVER.

Or trust another person. EVER.

Because u remember everything that happened in December of 2009 – shit u are too embarassed and ashamed to divulge – u just know it can never EVER happen again.

So u go through the motions and do you, like u’ve been doing, and focus, and write, and design, and LIVE.

But u remember that, THE PAST DOES NOT EXIST.

Nor does the future.


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