On previous humpdays, I’ve written about the things I would never do or wouldn’t be too excited about trying out in the bedroom. Today, I want to talk about three things I would love to try, but due to physical fails, cannot.
1) Stand up sex. Yeah, exactly what I said. You know, dudes behind you while you’re bent forward hunched over the kitchen table. Or even better, standing straight up with one leg hooked over his arm as your rammed against the wall. I’ve had standing sex before when I was maybe 24, but like I said in this post, the game was changed when I turned 28. My homie said I better go grab a stool and get it crackin, but to have to look for props in the heat of the moment would just ruin things for me, not to mention make me laugh. I know it’s just standing sex, not catching a ride on a flying unicorn. But you try having sex with someone 6’5″ when you’re only 5 feet tall. Yeah, I thought so.
2) Getting titty-fucked. You know what would happen if you tried to titty-fuck me? You’d get your dick chaffed. You’d get bored. You’d start a fire rubbing on my clavicle, or at the very least get rug burn. You’d just about do everything else except for get off. Because I’m pretty much a negative cup, and I’m still waiting for my fucking boobs to come in *shakes fist in the air*. I know it’s not that big of a deal, and provides no actual physical pleasure for a woman. But just like giving head, I simply like knowing that it’s turning my man on and is making him feel good. Plus, “pearl necklaces” are so classy.
3) Deep-throat. Any of you who were at Underdog’s last year during my little (or not to little) elote incident, are probably giving me the, “-_-” face. But that was nothing. When I mean deep-throat, I mean deep throat. Like laying on your back with your head hanging off the edge of the bed, and being able to let your man mouth fuck you without you gagging. Like, full on dick disappearing acts.
Hmm, maybe my #3 should be “Fuck guys with smaller dicks,” instead.
And for good measure …
3.5) Standing splits. I can’t even do regular splits, which is really surprising to even myself considering how tiny and relatively flexible I am. But if you’re gonna dream, you gotta dream big. So it’s standing splits or bust! The standing splits are actually on my list of “useless talents” right next to pole dancing. I swear if I could do it, I’d be busting it out everywhere. It just looks fucking cool!