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  • dearabi

When the Evidence is Evident – TBT 01.18.13

I’ve been told that if you go looking for things, you’ll eventually find them. This is usually the case when you’re in a relationship and following either intuition, or “the crazy”. You know, that crazy feeling that something is wrong even though everything is seemingly normal on the outside? What’s crazy about that, is it’s usually always right.

I’ve been notorious for looking through Sidekicks (yes, I said Sidekicks), and inboxes in the past. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I always found what I was looking for. Every. Single. Time. I was looking for something to validate those insecure feelings I kept trying to ignore inside. I figured that if I could find some sort of confirmation, me popping off would be justified. One can’t be mad over intuition alone. That’s like being mad at your boyfriend because you had a dream that he was cheating on you. Don’t lie, you know you’ve done it.

I can’t even remember the last time I played Nancy Drew. And it’s not because I’m mature or anything, never that lol. Since I haven’t been in a serious relationship in a while, I guess I just chose to take the “ignorance is bliss” route. The last relationship I really invested myself in was … hmm. It’s hard to explain, because things were always amazing when we were together. It were those few days in between seeing each other that  felt uneasy for me. Things just never felt completely right.

I had my suspicions, but never any proof. I also felt that since we weren’t “boyfriend and girlfriend,” although we had discussed exclusivity, I had no right to question anything. But you can’t control the way you feel, only the way you act. And I still felt apprehensive. I wanted to look through his phone so many times, but never did. I gave myself a pat on the back, and told myself I didn’t want to be crazy. When really, I just didn’t want to know the truth. Because I wasn’t ready to let him go yet. And if I knew there was a reason I should, I’d just feel even more stupid laying in his arms after that. So I told myself that as long as there’s no proof it’s OK. SMH.

They say if you go looking for shit, you’ll find it. I didn’t need to look for evidence that he was seeing someone else. Deep down inside, I already knew. What I was looking for was proof that I was wrong. 

And let me tell you, it was the first time I had wished I wasn’t right.

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